I'm just doing a lot of thinking today and I need to get it off my chest.
I have a lot of "what
if's" wondering around my head.
I know that J has a new life (via military Recruit Training Command & A School for 7 months), things become different for him especially when he arrived home for the first time in almost a year.
In these past 7 months I've lost my apartment (which is starting to bother me but I am still
ok with staying with family right now) and J's family moved to a condo complex.
His homecoming was different (maybe different like coming home from college and your room is a study).
He no longer has his own room. Nor does he have his favorite place in his parents old house, his work bench in the garage where he would hide away from stuff and relax. J cannot seem to become comfortable right now in his own home because it feels strange to him. I know this is natural but I fear he is mixing me into his uncomfortable mix.
He's a little hot and cold with me too... one minute he wants a future with me and one minute he's saying
"You could come down with me to
Gulfport, but then I would have to change ALL of my paperwork and that would be hard."
or when I was telling him I was afraid he was getting bored of having a civilian girlfriend he came back with
"not that I want to be single but I would really feel bad making you wait for me all this time again."
I said "but Baby I've been here waiting for you for 7 months what's another 9?" He touched my cheek softly and said "Ya, but you didn't take that one so well either."
I don't know how to explain to him that crying is just natural to me... being with him is natural to me too. I know I can not rush him into anything, not with my state right now... but I can wait for him... I can do anything to be right here when he gets home from deployment waiting for us to start our life together. He knows how badly I want a family. I told him way before he was even going into the Navy. and I don't push it on him because I know he's scared. But waiting for that is far well worth it. I cannot even wonder what it would be like without him in my life without tearing up.
Then there have been days where we lie in one
another's arms and just love each other. Like nothing could be better than that feeling and he kisses me like he could never stop.
I tired to talk with him again last night on the matter and he promised we will talk before he reports back to
Gulfport. I am praying he does not opt to leave me "because he feels bad for making me wait."
I'm actually frightened he will... and then my whole world could be shattered.
I am
hoping to God this is just me over reacting.
I know his tie to home will be long. that is not a question.
But does he want his tie to me to be long?
