I confess

One of Our Newest CNG Posted a new Discussion in our Group called "I Confess".

"Welcome to I confess....where you can say those things that you are holding in, especially when you don't have the luxury of being in contact, or when you don't have the courage to say them.....yet"

Most of the CNGs jumped right in with their confessions but I was extremely reluctant to try it, because reading the other girls posts made my tummy knot up. Seeing that Steph Posted her fear towards confessions on the CNG wall however made me feel better so through the knots I did it myself. I cannot post here what I said there... But I can say here that some of my doubts about mine and Boyfriend's relationship seemed to be seen in a second light. Admitting why I fear S and my relationship, why I tend to hold back made me see that maybe it is all just silly. Poor Boyfriend Takes so much BS from me. BS that my Ex wouldn't have even given me the time of day for.

I Must Let my Past go!!!

I think I'm lucky, and I need to actually Believe it from now on. I know I am Lucky!!

I can confess something here though! I spend WAY too much time procrastinating on this computer. I think sometimes I hide myself in it... and maybe need a little break. Not necessarily from Blog, but defiantly from Facebook!

ReGrouping In Southern Jersey

I'm still a mess. I wish I could say I was not... but I am. I decided I would make my home base My Grandparent's place in LEH, NJ. I always find my way home when I come down here. In fact, before I could even drive and barely even ride a bike... I remembered my way to Grandpa's house. It is my favorite place on the face of the planet not only because I can be near my favorite people, but because I can sit outside, smell the salt in the air and listen.... it is so quiet down here that you can hear someone cough on the other side of the lagoon.



Grandpa and Grandma have very open minds and want to hear exactly what is on your mind. As anyone, if they don't agree they will tell you. But for people of their generations there is no gap between our minds. Grandma wants us to go to church more and find our faith, Grandpa wants us to succeed in life... but they both understand that we are free spirited and they encourage us to grow and be honest with them no matter what the issue. Sometimes they are grandparents but the best part about grandparents is that they don't have to act their age and they are really just big kids that have a crazy amount of wisdom and maybe a few wrinkles from having way too much fun in their lives.

S and I aren't the same since our trip to Gulfport.



She came back with a Seabee of her own that is in J's unit. ATL ,as I nicknamed him because I couldn't get any of the kids' names right in New Orleans, is a Crazy SOB with a big heart, short attention span, easily annoyed, trusting of only some people... and totally head over heals for S. I was also calling him "mini-me (J)" the last lap of our trip. "He's not like me" J would Grumble. "oh ya? You weren't like him at 20?" I'd giggle. Funny thing is I can only guess what J was like at 20. I didn't meet him until he was 24 but he's told me lots of stories. So I never called ATL "Mini-me" in Atl's presence though. I didn't want him to assume that he was cool like J or anything ;-)

Point of my ramblings I think though, is because I had such an amazing time out there with him and all his friends reality is very painful now. Nothing feels right being away from him. I don't like feeling this way. It hurts. It hurts in my heart, in my Tummy, in my Eyes... In my head. I feel as if I am whining and complaining and should be stronger and get back to my life! but it sucks. Today is just a bad day right now. I know as soon as I get him on the phone and hear his voice it could be the difference between a smile and tears.





My main concern I think is that J is about to get deployed and I hate it. I have gone through almost every single emotion I think I have these past couple of days. I'm trying to figure out which friends will actually support me and just be there for me when and if I cry. I'm afraid I scared them away when he left for RTC. Now I have 6 months to cry alone and toughen up by myself. I am very frightened about that.



I have this blog which helped me through boot camp... but I don't wanna be the girl who complains that her boyfriend is far away. Tomorrow is another day and my best bet I know is prayers and faith. Less time to think by finding a job and lots of letters and care packages, My CNGs on facebook, thinking to myself that 6 months is NOTHING compared to some of my friends deployments in other branches of the military. I know I can do this with a little faith.

Mixing His Old Life with His New Life

I'm just doing a lot of thinking today and I need to get it off my chest.
I have a lot of "what if's" wondering around my head.



I know that J has a new life (via military Recruit Training Command & A School for 7 months), things become different for him especially when he arrived home for the first time in almost a year.
In these past 7 months I've lost my apartment (which is starting to bother me but I am still ok with staying with family right now) and J's family moved to a condo complex.
His homecoming was different (maybe different like coming home from college and your room is a study).
He no longer has his own room. Nor does he have his favorite place in his parents old house, his work bench in the garage where he would hide away from stuff and relax. J cannot seem to become comfortable right now in his own home because it feels strange to him. I know this is natural but I fear he is mixing me into his uncomfortable mix.

He's a little hot and cold with me too... one minute he wants a future with me and one minute he's saying
"You could come down with me to Gulfport, but then I would have to change ALL of my paperwork and that would be hard."

or when I was telling him I was afraid he was getting bored of having a civilian girlfriend he came back with
"not that I want to be single but I would really feel bad making you wait for me all this time again."
I said "but Baby I've been here waiting for you for 7 months what's another 9?" He touched my cheek softly and said "Ya, but you didn't take that one so well either."

I don't know how to explain to him that crying is just natural to me... being with him is natural to me too. I know I can not rush him into anything, not with my state right now... but I can wait for him... I can do anything to be right here when he gets home from deployment waiting for us to start our life together. He knows how badly I want a family. I told him way before he was even going into the Navy. and I don't push it on him because I know he's scared. But waiting for that is far well worth it. I cannot even wonder what it would be like without him in my life without tearing up.

Then there have been days where we lie in one another's arms and just love each other. Like nothing could be better than that feeling and he kisses me like he could never stop.

I tired to talk with him again last night on the matter and he promised we will talk before he reports back to Gulfport. I am praying he does not opt to leave me "because he feels bad for making me wait."
I'm actually frightened he will... and then my whole world could be shattered.

I am hoping to God this is just me over reacting.
I know his tie to home will be long. that is not a question.
But does he want his tie to me to be long?