Cake is to Have And to Eat

Well I did it again. I tried to push boyfriend away. Poor S is the cake I guess. I try to push him away all the time. J really messed me up I think because I really and truly don't believe Boyfriend S and how he REALLY wants big things for us. I want to believe him but honestly somethings bug me. somethings give me red flag. Last night I pulled the drink a little too much and try to break up with S again. This all kinda happened because I told boyfriend that I wanted to go back to learn about my Native American heritage, but I would have to go away for a month to do so. Well S takes this awfully wrong so when I woke up this morning I get the booming words "WE have some things WE NEED TO TALK about". I even told him "The Indians sent me a coyote in my backyard" I was defiantly trying to sell this Indian thing to him. This morning I said that won't even happen, but if it does it'd be nuts. It took us a couple of hours but we talked it all out. we're doing fine now, which is fantastic. I dunno, I wanna tell him that sometimes I wanna have my cake and eat it too I want him but I wanna be single. I can't though. I'd risk losing him and I'm not sure I want to. He tells me he wants to spend the rest of his life with me, and I had to tell him that it is not his fault, as much as I believe him I'm so scared to trust that statement because I have heard it before and believed it and was let down. I couldn't even get it out with out bawling. S really is a wonderful man. He REALLY loves me. Please God help me to get past my fears and let him love me?

Here is a poem I wrote, It reminds me of the situation;

Please God Lend me some shoes?
Current mood: confused

Please God Lend me some Shoes?

Dear God, please lend me the shoes of a strong willed woman,

So I can walk a mile and realize that will is not all I need

Help me see that will itself only helps me proceed

Please loan me a pair of well warned boots of one with nerves of steel

I will give them back in one day maybe two

I need to learn how to make my tension heal

Teach me to be strong, to walk with my head high

And not worry so much that I will someday die

Let me borrow the shoes of an elderly woman who has seen it all

And has faith that the Good Lord will take her because she has done all her living

May you allow me to use my mother's shoes

To understand the trials she went through

And also a while her mother's too

Though we are close in voice I can't possibly understand

Unless I see it from my own eyes

Dear God lend me the shoes of my faithful lover

So I can understand the stress I put this wonderful man under

Teach me the ways to make me stronger

In body, in mind, in faith through feet, and eyes

Then return me my shoes so I can again walk through life;

much more than a mile and a few pairs of shoes wiser.

JLC 12/27/07

He REALLY loves me.

I know he does and I love him.

A Question from The New Girl on Post

New Girl on Post blogged "Question Kinda Day" for today and it just made me start thinking about how much this blog has done for me in the last year and a half!

Here's my Answer and I will go into it deeper in a little while I Just wanna go have a beer cause the NY Jets just beat the San Diego Chargers:

Twisted Jess said...

I started blogging in July of 2008. My boyfriend at the time was in Navy Recruit Training command and I needed something to take my mind off the fact that he was gone and not many of my friends at home understood a thing I was going through. My friend Sarah on Sarah Takes on the World was going through something similar and suggested I try it. I vented my way through his A School,and first deployment and sadly through the end of our relationship. but it also helps me now through my search for me. I love it and I love reading all of you ladies' blogs and finding new and fun ones. Blog land is great! Thank you for the great question!!

Comfort Foods and Places For Twisted J

These are all the things that make me happy when I'm feeling blue. I am a comfort food baby. Simple Pleasures for a Twisted Jessica. If I crave my Comfort cure I will not be happy until I get it and when I do I'm as happy as a clam*.


Baileys Irish Cream:
My love for the cold Winter days. In my Hot Coffee for snow storms, First drink for Morristown St. Patrick's Day Parade Day, and a wonderful pick me up for hangover afternoons. In my Hot Chocolate during November and December for the Holiday Season, and I've learned it is fantastic in Dunkin Donuts Ice coffee for summertime, and I love it on the rocks too!!

Dunkin Donuts & CVS:
My boyfriend S teases me about CVS because I will bypass any other pharmacy just to go there. When I'm at Grandmom and Grandpop's in Mystic Island, NJ I will drive to Long Beach Island just to go to CVS which is 15 - 20 minutes away from their house off or Radio Road. I've found a CVS in every town I have been too from Broadheadsville, PA, to Gulfport, MS, and even up here in Salem, MA and I love it. CVS spells Home to me. and my Home CVS is in Chatham, NJ.

Dunkin Donuts:
A special treat that I overindulge constantly. Another thing S has pointed out is a Landmark my towns by Dunkin Donuts locations. Coffee itself is my savior...
C once explained to a friend "Jess is seriously the only stereotypical coffee drinker I know! She can not function in the morning until she has her first cup."
So not so much the hot coffee with D&Ds, but Iced Coffee is the love of my life!
When I'm depressed, homesick, PMSing; D&D's Ice coffee.
When I'm hungover; D&D's Ice coffee.
Road trip: D&D's Ice coffee
When I had Strep D&D's Ice coffee
When I've been working the bar all day Wild guess: Yup! D&D's Ice coffee
and All summer long; D&D's Ice coffee

Boyfriend S introduced me to a couple very yummy Dunkin Donuts combination for our road trip this past October; Said it was his friend Drunk Boy's favorite; Half hazelnut coffee half hot chocolate. OMG drunk boy! it was fantastic! Best Fall road trip pick me up EVER!! I L O V E it!!

I've about summed up Hot Chocolate too... I do drink it without Baileys all the time. My favorite is when its made with milk, but I love it anyway its made with and without whipped cream and marshmellows. I love Chocolate milk too. Had a glass yesterday. I'm PMS girl right now!

Tuna fish:
Don't know what it is, but Tuna fish sandwiches make me happy. I crave them mostly when I'm hungover. or when I'm sad. Must be because Grandma Marie made Tuna fish all the time and I had plenty of them in my brown paper bag lunches growing up. best with potato bread, American cheese, & lettuce. Love it as a tuna melt with tomato soup!

Kraft Yellow American Cheese Singles, Potato Bread, & Cambell's Tomato Soup:
Best Oohy Gooey Grilled Cheese and tomato soup ever!! My Favorite combo.

I love cheese and any cheese will do but I will literally crave Kraft Yellow American Cheese Singles and eat them as a snack. I'd chose them over a potato chip any day or even a chocolate chip cookie. They must be yellow... not white.

Potato bread is just the best bread ever for sandwiches. I love bread and I love Sandwiches but sometimes it must be Potato bread!!

Tomato soup: I love it. It doesn't have to be Cambell's but Cambell's is my favorite pick for the best Grilled cheese and tomato soup combo ever!!


Finally Frozen Sweet Peas:
Dunno where I picked this up... But I did and I love it. I think it's another Grandpa thing. Grandpa C gave me lots of comfort food. I would go to the freezer in the utility room (a.k.a. basement, storage, room next to the garage with a back door) grab a bag of frozen peas and chow down on them with a little butter. Weird yes... because I know one person who does it and that's Aunt Cyndi and we didn't even know each other until July 2009. My two old roommates from Boonton Ave would always yell at me cause when they were sweeping they knew when I was into them. little shriveled up peas in the corners of the kitchen (lol!!) Sorry CQ and H!! The peas actually taste good frozen too... sweeter than when cooked. I put them in my pasta dishes all the time. Cold or Hot pastas. Yup! I'm weird... but who cares cause it makes me happy!

Above: my main and most craved comforting foods and places.

I crave other things too but not nearly as much as the ones above. Hot dogs microwaved, Pasta Salad, Tomatoes; Particularly Jersey beefsteak tomatoes, so sweet I eat them like apples, baloney, Apples and Peanut butter (must be crunchy for the best), Nuts, raisins, trail mix, pasta with white clam sauce, pasta with pink sauce and peas, Macaroni and Cheese, zucchini, potato leek soup, Onion rings with Russian dressing, Garden Salads, Asparagus, and sometimes... sardines and or pickled herring.



"Happy as a Clam"

* "As a simile, happy as a clam, when applied to people, means they feel a special safety or security. Things are well in the world and danger is, for the moment, at a safe distance. The clamshell contains the person well, providing safety, and a virtually uncrackable hardness. As Saxe writes in his last line of his sonnet: “thy case is shocking hard!”

So I guess I just double guessed J. This deployment stuff sucks. I always double guess and get all out of sorts for no reason. It is typical to feel this way. Luckily I have J's facebook password and I took that silly plead for attention letter away before he read it. I do this to myself all the time, but the fact of the matter is he loves me and that will not change. Pushing him now will only push him away from me and that is not my goal. I just have to wait until he comes home.

My "operation damned if I do" was silly. I can't ignore his calls... I did not answer the first call but it gave me a panic attack and he called right back and I answered.
I told him that the inn let me go, and he wasn't happy about that, but he said it was ok. I pleaded he not look down on me for it because it was not my fault. that was ok. I feel much better getting that off my chest.

I can't stand my constant PMS over this lol!! I'm such a drama queen sometimes.



All that matters is I WILL be down in Miss when he comes home. I told him I wanted to be there to hug and kiss him when he gets off that bus!

Operation Damned if I do, Damned if I don't

God I wonder if I really am cut out for this... But I know I am... Just need the push...


I know this may sound like a silly question but it drives me crazy. J has Facebook. I bugged him to open an account because it would be easier to keep in touch with me and all his friends especially because he's deployed right now. But this is the silly thing that drives me crazy... He doesn't respond to me, any of my messages, wall posts, nothing But he talks to everyone else. why does he do this... is he testing me to see how far I will take it until I burst? or is it not a game at all...

I've mentioned that I never know if he gets me emails because he never responds, I've written him letters, He hasn't responded and even though He doesn't spend alot of time on the Internet (he's not the type) He responds to just about everyone else that messages him. Don't get me wrong I get a phone call every couple of days which half his friends don't get that so I am thankful, but I've told him it would help me feel better about waiting for him if I had something physical. and he'll just ask for more packages...

Why does he do this... is he trying to push me away or does he just want to keep his feelings away from me so he doesn't hurt from the separation?

Deployment bites. I feel like I'm damned if i do and damned if I don't. I have to face mentioning it to him if it bothers me too much, but I feel like I'm being stupid.

♥ Letter to J:

against my better judgment I'm going to flat out ask you why you never respond to me I love your phone calls Baby, but I would also love to have a little more positive attention. Like a "ya I'm having a good day" or a "I can't wait to see you either" or an "I love you" or something positive! only one time you responded to anything on this facebook or email was that stupid negative post on the picture of vodka which hurt my feelings.

I need to hear you need me, want me, and love me. sappy or not it would make it so much easier for me.
I'm not trying to be a pest. I'm here for you 100 percent of the way. Just give me something to hang on to please?

I love you J!


I felt so whinny sending this to him, and it just kills me. I really think that he doesn't post on my page because it's easier not to hurt C, just but I have mentioned it before. I'm far too paranoid sometimes... I just need to know what he is thinking. Like he's already saying it would be dumb for me to move to Mississippi when he comes back because he won't be there for long, but he's there for at least another year and a half. So his lack of response on Facebook is killing me... and generally the phone calls are just send me packages... so in my head I'm like WTF I mean are you just using me for packages and then gonna drop me when you get home?


Operation Don't give a Damn....

Tell ya the truth, my heart says hang in there only a couple more months ... but my head says get outta there before he hurts ya Jess...

And once he gets back to the states he WILL pay more attention to me... I dunno..

I can say this when it doesn't come to me... Jay is kinda a weird case to crack always has been... So I've decided to not be so readily available to him and ignore a couple of his phone calls... He seems to get a little weirded out when he thinks I need him "Too much" so i need to get fired up and stand up for myself... then he comes back cause he doesn't wanna lose me.

I hate psychology sometimes. I gotta treat him like a little kid and I get results. Damn military guys!!

Taking on too much in my head part I

With Everything that is going on right now I seem to think I need to do it all... But in the process I get NOTHING done. I just sit here and worry about what is going on unable to get up and do...

J is in Djibouti, All I can do is wait for him to come home... Wait on phone calls and wait for him to propose... The waiting is ok.
Things I can do for him;
Send packages, Mail, Be proud of him and love him.

Grandmom Maryann had Hospice come on Sunday...
Things I can do for Grandmom;
Love her, respect her wishes, be happy that I had the pleasure of a wonderful woman to touch my life and the lives of our family. Send cards and pictures and continue to be updated so I can pass the word to the rest of the family.

Grandpa John is struggling with Grandmom's Cancer. He is scared, and we are all worried about him too. Grandmom Maryann is his wife, his true love, his best friend, and his soul mate. He is an 87 year old, retired WWII special ops army Vet, Fisherman, Loving Grandfather with many stories and a walking family historian. His main concerns these days are how to take Grandmom's illness, Always thinking that he would have gone before Grandmom, and checking up on J because Grandpa does not believe J is going to marry me. Convincing him otherwise seemed to be my main concern pior to Grandmom's heath change these last couple weeks. Grandpop John is a stubbrun man. He gets annoyed that he has to use hearing aides to hear better, and that he is not as limber as he was not 3-4 years ago. He still loves Chopping wood, tending to the docks and boats in his backyard, doing the crossword puzzle, routing for the Philidelphia Phillies and Eagles, and spending lots of prescious time with his ever growing and already huge family.

Sam is nuts but she will do what she will do. She's just a kid.
(sorry if your not happy about my post if you are reading this Sam)

Things I can do for Sam;
Love her, Remind her that she is part of this family too. Stop Questioning her intentions with Romeo. Just try to guide her and remind her that life is what it is. Running away is not the best option and stop worrying about Mississippi. She doesn't care to take an example form me who admits that at this point in my life running gave me nothing to show for except for memories, stories and pictures. She'll learn the hard way. All I can truely say is if someone reminded me that leaving would hurt before I actually went I would have stayed and maned up. Aploigies do not mean defeat, and the family loves unconditionally.

Grandma Marie is in Iowa and getting taken care of very well. I have stopped worrying about her distance and continue to write her and send pictures. Aunt Ginger says she loves my letters and that is the best I can do for her right now until I can visit her in Iowa and Give her hugs in person. Grandma Marie knows how much I love her dearly and I can never stress enough how much I am thankful and grateful for the life she gave me when Grandpa Cal was alive and Grandma and him lived in New Jersey.


My mother has not apoligized for the awful things she said to me and as much as it annoyes me, She never will. I was unable to accept that she says things and then forgets them just as fast as an excuse. She is just as thick headed and stubburn as Her father and I am way more forgiving than she is. She just acts like it never happened and to her the hurtful things will only be brought up again when she is either ill, or defending herself (she will bring up the past 30 years of hurt everytime she gets upset. its just her way and there is nothing to change it. I am thankful to say she is the only one in this family that does this anymore.) I give it up... I am just going to pretend it didn't happen too and move on.
My mother has asked me to be her Maid of Honor for her wedding in June. She is marrying Tony. Tony is a good guy. Maybe the best for her these days. He has made her very happy and will continue because making her happy is something he is very good at! I am thankful that Tony is in my mother's life. Because of her plans for a wedding, Mom has rekindled her friendship with her Brother and his wife (Aunt Frannie and Uncle Chris) or at least is attempting to forgive again without saying she's sorry for the awful things she said to them or the grudges that will again be unearthed when she gets upset with the world again.

Things I can do for Mom;
Let go of the past, let her be happy, Love her, hope she will not unearth every painful moment in her last 30 years once again. Ecept her for who she is. Be happy she is happy. Be thank ful for Tony being in her life.

Emotions; is it time to level out now?

Dear emotions,

I've been thinking about how you are effecting me these days...

How I am not so much the same person I have been in the past because of you.

Well, after I have put some thought it to our situation I have come to a decision.

It is time to take myself back from the rolling ball of PMS that I have become (especially this last month)!
Missing J is one thing, but worrying so much about our future is something I can not do until the Future is here, So Emotions... STOP taking over!

If J doesn't call me day 1, you seem to be fine...
When day 2 of lack of J's voice comes... you make me cranky (and maybe that's funny to you, but I am not amused and neither are some of the people around me),
Day 3 and I'm ehhh OK... but then I hear his voice. Emotions... you have got to stop making me bottle you up for MY own good and the sanity of the people around me...

So Can we PLEASE make a deal?
Though I know that dealing with deployment can make a girl crazy, I also know that I am lucky... J will be back in the states in no time... 6 months is nothing compared to the 12 months, or 18 month deployments some wives or girlfriends have to endure. So though this maybe my first deployment endurance... I think that you Emotions, need to settle... relax, stop making me a CRAZY girl!! August or September (whichever it may be) Will NOT come quicker if you do not stop making me nutty Emotions... Please understand the faster these days go the better relationship you and I will have Emotions.

I hope this little talk has helped you understand that I am ready to LEVEL out now!! :-)

All my love,
Jessica

P.S.
Also it would be nice if you stop keeping me up past 2 am every other night. I would like to start sleeping earlier so I can see more sun rises and feel more rested.
Thanks!!

defending my relationship

It seems that the last couple of weeks (which half of them J has spent in the desert) I have found myself defending my relationship with J to my family. Not all of them of course, but a couple big ones.

Mom being one of them. I have not technically been defending against my mother because Mother and I have not been speaking for the last month for things she had to say about J and other awful things she said to me in while I was Restless in Pennsy. I think she owes me an apology and she thinks she'll be able to give me one when he "proves her wrong".

Back to defending my relationship;

The other BIG that I find myself defending my relationship to is Grandpop. *sigh* which I hate... Because it is so hard to disagree with a man that has influenced me so much and has been a shining star in my life. His words are to be listened to, yet for the first time I have to talk back to him.

for two reasons I think;

1. Cousin S is dating ATL now and for some reason because the family doesn't understand how they could be "in love" after knowing one another for a couple days, the family is putting both S and I in the same boat.

ATL is deployed with J and ATL and S talk all the time. They seem quite diehard for one another for knowing each other for only days... but it is a VERY young relationship.

It is not a relationship like J and mine and should not be treated as such.

J moving me down to Mississippi when he returns from deployment is realistic to us. J and I aside for a year apart (which shouldn't count as less) to our almost 5 years of dating, loving, arguing, and crying. Hell we even lived together for a year and a half of our 5 years togehter.

I've already waited for 2 months of 5 letters and 1 phone call of Naval Recruit Training Command ( Navy Boot camp) 5 months of (Apprentice) A School (He called me almost every night) , and 2 weeks of restrictment with only 2 phone calls over Christmas and New Years. 7 months of waiting to be in his arms again.

Shoot! I can make it through 6 months of deployment after all that. There is only 4 months and 3 weeks until his return.

REGARDLESS,

none of this Mississippi living banter is unrealistic for J and I.

2. J did not propose to me when he was home on leave

J is not to be at fault for this. Why is it written in stone J must propose to Jess RIGHT NOW?
The family thinks he's nuts for not doing so because of the exra money he would have gotten paid for him and I upon his return. Does my family NOT understand that I DON'T CARE about his money.
J did not propose to my because he didn't want to leave me here waiting for his return on the chance that he didn't come back. J is not a 18 year old kid that joined the military fresh out of highschool. He has the normal fears of a 28 year old man and leaving me behind as his girlfriend scares him enough.


I am so tired of defending my relationship to my family. I love everyone very much but I do not need to defend my boyfriend to my family anymore. it's not fair. have me defend him in 6 months when I can call him up and cry about things or just get a hug when he comes home from work... not when he is 7000 miles away, in a 7 hour time difference, and can only call me on an international phone card.

I Hope The Camel Spiders Eat him!!!

Well I got my first cranky phone call from the desert!!
Grrr to you too Baby!!!

My Friend K, who's fiance J is National Guard and he is fighting out in Iraq as we speck,
got me this book when I got back from my trip to Mississippi. ;

Thank you K!!! Great Book!!!


I've been reading this book a little here and a little there...

Some of it I just knew... because well I know my Psychology and I know How men in general are.... like the "I'd rather be mad than hurt game" it explains in it Pre-departure to deployment. That is exactly why J was being a big jerk in "Emotions run high in Southern Miss"


says that after departure day you become resentful of your military loved one for leaving you to fend for yourself...
I'm not a Self Help Book kinda girl but it is kinda dead on...
I'm kinda hating him and wishing the Camel Spiders get him tomorrow
(even though if they did I would be really sad)

Ewwww!!!!
and REALLY I would never ever want this thing on my boyfriend!!!
No matter how cranky he is.

So if the Camel Spiders decide you and ATL aren't tasty enough J (which they darn well better)... Than I can't wait to hear your voice again because I miss you and I miss your voice!!

ALT on Camel Spiders! : yeah but they're a foot in diameter, kinda hard to miss


So I just learned Camel Spiders are as big as a thumb... that IS big... but not big enough to eat a couple Seabees ... So I guess J and ATL are safe. darn it!!! And also I did read up on the Camel Spiders...

Some common Camel Spider Myths:

1. Camel spiders can move at speeds over 30 MPH, screaming while they run.
2. Camel spiders can be as large as a frisbee.
3. Camel spiders venom is an anesthetic that numbs their prey.
4. Camel spiders can jump three feet high.
5. Camel spiders get their name because they eat the stomachs of camels.
6. They eat or gnaw on people while they sleep. Due to the numbing effect of their venom, the victim is unaware until they awake.

And my final add on today...

Although this book seems cool enough, I think I will read it IF and WHEN I am a military spouse... Until then... maybe My CNG deployment Buddy Jillian and I will write our own Book.

"dating a military man" "the Girlfriend's point of veiw"

Emotions Run High in Southren Miss

I really need some reassurance today. I know I'm not the only one... but it feels like I am. J and I have had some really serious fun and a bunch of alone time these last couple of days!! He is freaking out a little though. Feeling smothered by me because he is used to being alone. He did a 180 yesterday after his friend left the hotel room. J turned into this cold unemotional say anything to make me unhappy jerk. the bed in this hotel room is tiny and he wouldn't even cuddle with me. I freaked out. My tears don't always make him snap out of his anger... more times than not he gets colder, I think because he assumes I am crying to make him personally feel bad and not because it is just a normal reaction for an over stressed and sad girl.

I've noticed he has gotten this way more times closer to when he has to let me go and maybe he does it because it is easier for him to shut down his emotions so he can feel better. He did it the day before he left for Boot camp, was a jerk to me the day he left, got cold for a short time the day before his family and I were about to leave him after his graduation form RTC and a couple times while he was on leave. this leaving me wondering WTF am I waiting for him....??? but then its over like it never happened...

I cannot make too many excuses for him but I do understand it is because he is scared... but How do I counter act him when his deployment is coming sooooo close. generally I can slow down the reaction by asking him to please consider my feelings and reminding him that it may be extremely hard for him to leave... but I also have a lot to handle with him leaving too... and that I just want to have a good note instead of a bad taste when waiting for him... because it is the only thing I know how to do. I told him, if I lost him I would lose my home... because that is what he is... the say all end all, my heart and my soul belong to him alone. I plead please be gentle.

I may sound crazy here but crazy is how I feel sometimes. If anyone has a similar story or any ideas how I can try to break this so we can have a good last night together please help!!

"With your help,Dear God, I'll try to stay strong...

and pray that his tie here at home will be long.

Still, "I know that the Navy will need him," I sigh

but we'll face it together, Dear Lord, you and I"

I should have time to check it, but if anything it may help me even tomorrow or the next days to come when we have to say our I'll see you in September!

Mixing His Old Life with His New Life

I'm just doing a lot of thinking today and I need to get it off my chest.
I have a lot of "what if's" wondering around my head.



I know that J has a new life (via military Recruit Training Command & A School for 7 months), things become different for him especially when he arrived home for the first time in almost a year.
In these past 7 months I've lost my apartment (which is starting to bother me but I am still ok with staying with family right now) and J's family moved to a condo complex.
His homecoming was different (maybe different like coming home from college and your room is a study).
He no longer has his own room. Nor does he have his favorite place in his parents old house, his work bench in the garage where he would hide away from stuff and relax. J cannot seem to become comfortable right now in his own home because it feels strange to him. I know this is natural but I fear he is mixing me into his uncomfortable mix.

He's a little hot and cold with me too... one minute he wants a future with me and one minute he's saying
"You could come down with me to Gulfport, but then I would have to change ALL of my paperwork and that would be hard."

or when I was telling him I was afraid he was getting bored of having a civilian girlfriend he came back with
"not that I want to be single but I would really feel bad making you wait for me all this time again."
I said "but Baby I've been here waiting for you for 7 months what's another 9?" He touched my cheek softly and said "Ya, but you didn't take that one so well either."

I don't know how to explain to him that crying is just natural to me... being with him is natural to me too. I know I can not rush him into anything, not with my state right now... but I can wait for him... I can do anything to be right here when he gets home from deployment waiting for us to start our life together. He knows how badly I want a family. I told him way before he was even going into the Navy. and I don't push it on him because I know he's scared. But waiting for that is far well worth it. I cannot even wonder what it would be like without him in my life without tearing up.

Then there have been days where we lie in one another's arms and just love each other. Like nothing could be better than that feeling and he kisses me like he could never stop.

I tired to talk with him again last night on the matter and he promised we will talk before he reports back to Gulfport. I am praying he does not opt to leave me "because he feels bad for making me wait."
I'm actually frightened he will... and then my whole world could be shattered.

I am hoping to God this is just me over reacting.
I know his tie to home will be long. that is not a question.
But does he want his tie to me to be long?

Fuel Pumps suck!!

"With your help,dear God, I'll try to stay strong...

and pray that his tie here at home will be long.

Still, "I know that the Navy will need him," I sigh

but we'll face it together, Dear Lord, you and I"

These last couple days have been pretty bliss... But they took a wrong turn yesterday. Unfortuntly, my car being in ICU and fuel pumpless is making both mine & J's lives a little unbarable. I wish my car would magically get back on the road so I didn't have to get stuck being in one place. We both have a tendincy to become smothered easily and carless made it happen easier. Dear God Please help my father find the motivation to finish her today so I can get out of town for a little.