What Will Be Will Be Boyfriend

How many times does a relationship have to succeed? How many times can the bad out weigh the good? How many times can one prove that it's worth it, and you really want it. I'm no angel, but I know what I want for the most part. I promised myself I would not look for it right now... (What will be Will be) because I want it to be in my lap right now, but that promise is painful just a little. I know that Boyfriend is a wonderful man and he wants what I want. What I am not sure is if he wants it as much as I do. After so many days of his over drinking and my hiding my aggravation I again wanted so desperately to tell him it's the booze or it's me. Like I said, I'm no angel, but I'm trying to not over do my drinking. I'm so tired of watching what I want pass me by because of the alcohol. So instead, I asked Boyfriend if he could stop drinking so much, and then asked if we needed some time away from one another to decide if he was ready to do that. He told me he didn't need time away to not drink and he was tired of over doing it. It is unfortunate, but this has had to be proven to me before and he did... this time he's gone since Friday and is going strong. Resisting the beer even when it is in front of him. I'm very proud of him. I do fear though that I am asking him too much. That he doesn't want to grow up with me as much as he says. Only because we've had this problem a few times before. I am praying our relationship finds a way and that I am not asking too much, being a hypocrite, or the promises are just bidding time for another heart break.

I confess

One of Our Newest CNG Posted a new Discussion in our Group called "I Confess".

"Welcome to I confess....where you can say those things that you are holding in, especially when you don't have the luxury of being in contact, or when you don't have the courage to say them.....yet"

Most of the CNGs jumped right in with their confessions but I was extremely reluctant to try it, because reading the other girls posts made my tummy knot up. Seeing that Steph Posted her fear towards confessions on the CNG wall however made me feel better so through the knots I did it myself. I cannot post here what I said there... But I can say here that some of my doubts about mine and Boyfriend's relationship seemed to be seen in a second light. Admitting why I fear S and my relationship, why I tend to hold back made me see that maybe it is all just silly. Poor Boyfriend Takes so much BS from me. BS that my Ex wouldn't have even given me the time of day for.

I Must Let my Past go!!!

I think I'm lucky, and I need to actually Believe it from now on. I know I am Lucky!!

I can confess something here though! I spend WAY too much time procrastinating on this computer. I think sometimes I hide myself in it... and maybe need a little break. Not necessarily from Blog, but defiantly from Facebook!

Need to Change my Winter Blues

And What is the weather like today? Snowy.

I talked with S a little last night. I asked him if he thought I had been miserable.
Yup. You've been miserable all month! He insisted.

S is all confused as to how things can bother me so much. Says he doesn't get it. Why did I move up here in the first place if I was going to miss my family and friends so much?
J: Because I was drowning in NJ I didn't know I would be miserable.

J: I don't think I had the chance to find myself up here because we got into a relationship so fast.
S: What sleeping around would have helped you "find yourself"
J: no. I am happy I have you You helped me find home!
S: But you hate your job, don't like where you live (the list goes on).
J: But if it were for you I would have been miserable from the start. You make me more comfortable. You gave me home!! Without you I would have bailed months ago!!
S: Happy I make you feel better Baby!

S : "you've Changed" That's a fantastic 4 month mark in a relationship.
Reasons: In the beginning drinking wasn't bad. "We haven't been drinking as much as we could" is S's favorite quote. Now you don't even want to drink.

J: I can't help it. I don't wanna be that drunk girl, and I defiantly don't want to lose my dreams of a family because I have to party all the time. I came up here to Change, Change is what I want to do.

Why do you care what other people think of you soooo much?? S doesn't understand because He really only cares about what a few people think, me being one. But he completely missed the point. Its what I think of myself.

See? SUMMER!! We need you!!

This weekend was awesome! Sayers took a leave from the Navy and a road trip up north. He picked up Cousin S on the way here. Stanley and the 3 of us had a blast. We played beer pong, got acquainted with Sailor Jerry, had a wonderful Dinner at M.A.'s watched too much U-Tube, Had total lack of sleep and a couple headaches.


We all learned somethings about what we dealt with this past year. S finally admitted something that happened way back in February, Sayers told me somethings I felt on the Miss trip, but refused to believe back then which helped me honestly believe that J used me for a very long time. I learned what it is like to have some real friends and real people that care for me. I learned this weekend that I really do have a fantastic boyfriend too. He blended in very well. Stanley and Sayers got along like long lost friends. Stanley didn't spend the entire weekend making sure everyone else but me was having a blast, like I've had to deal with in past relationships... that's how I really began to understand how much he really does care for me. I thanked him today for that. for showing me what its like to actually have someone who puts my feelings before everybody's. I've struggled for a little while with Stanley just because as much as I trust him, I don't know if I can trust guys... but he has proven time and time again that he is a truly amazing boyfriend. Sure we have our faults in this relationship; a couple fights, a couple nights where we drank too much, him having this crazy idea that he has to walk home when he gets mad at me... and then there's me that every time that we argue or disagree I get scared he's acting like my ex... That all guys act like my ex so this relationship is doomed from the start... but then he helps me to realize Time and Time again that arguments are just little bumps and we understand and love each other so we can make it! Maybe he and I could last forever. All I know is that now I know what it is like to have a real boyfriend finally, who thinks I'm beautiful for who I am.

How I met my "Trouble"

Is it safe to say, when you don't look something real comes your way?
and what is honestly real?

When Trouble and I met, it was the literal day that J had totally screwed me. J called me from MS and said "hey I'm back in the states, wanna drive down here (from MA) and have some steak and get laid?" I was shocked and annoyed by his total ignorance about me supporting his every move while deployed and in Naval School just to become a booty call. SO I was done. I got off the line with him, went into the Anchor and switched my undrank draft to a shot of Wild turkey. Across the bar from me was Trouble. He was sitting by a Keno Machine next to his cousin (Wasn't sure if his cousin was a girlfriend or a friend or what) and I was staring at him trying to get him to come over to me. I made the mistake of mentioning to my Aunt I thought he was hot, but I couldn't tell if he was wearing a ring (I know way better to mess with the local girls around here and in general there aren't a lot of hot single guys at all... they are all taken...) So my Aunt goes right over to him and asks him "How many times have you been married" (yup... She's crazy just like I am... Teenager in a 58 year old body) I was mortified... She reports back with "he's never been married." he gets up to smoke a cigarette with the mystery girl and as he passes he looks at me and says don't worry i was looking at you too and I'll be back over to talk with you in a bit. We talked for a while, At the end of the night he gave me a flower and went home. He didn't try to kiss me, he didn't try to talk me back to his place, and he told me that he was sure that we could really make each other happy that night when we were texting back and forth. (ya... i did it... I texted him like an hour after he left lol)


I didn't hang out with Trouble Friday night... We texted back and forth through his lunch break while i was out job hunting... and then that night I went drinking at the Anchor again with my aunt and uncle, took a ride on a bike and lost my Cell phone. Now I did hook up with bike guy... I was drinking... Freshly single New girl in a New town... and Seriously scorned by a Sailor... I didn't sleep with him though and all I kept thinking was "Why do I feel like I'm cheating on Trouble????"

I think God decided I needed to lose my Cell phone that night for 2 reasons:

1. I shouldn't be taking rides from Strangers on Harleys
2. Time to REALLY start a fresh life... Get the numbers of the people that really count and leave the people that I thought meant something to me behind...

If i had the power to take back one single night I would. I could not though. Some times Aunt Cyndi teases Trouble sometimes about giving him the 3rd degree when we first met... and he didn't get the 3rd degree at all... Since this has happened more than once recently, I had to tell Trouble what it was about. Trouble didn't take it well. He was hurt and confused. Typical guy I suppose, but I never figured I would have to worry about Trouble being upset about something that happened before I was his girlfriend. It too a little while for me to get him to understand that I didn't expect him to come into my life, but he did and I couldn't help but fall for him.

My friend Trouble would have understood. My boyfriend Trouble may think about this too much... or maybe I will. Our relationship has been based on the truth. He knows everything about my trials the last year. I told him first thing hello Trouble, I'm a train wreck right now. Loving me is easy, but dealing with me sometimes is tough. When I get to thinking too much I need someone to help me relax. He took this job fully knowing, and the past couple months have been fantastic. We click so well, and I think its because we are great friends first. Being with him is like being with family. He really is that comfortable.