Snow AGAIN

I'm trying to think of a good way to get over my winter blues... but the snow keeps falling. Know what else fell today? Me. I was walking down the three flights of wooden decks in the back of my Aunt and Uncle's place. They live on the top one. I ALMOST made it to the bottom one and slipped and flew. I'm clumsy so I know how to fall. dunno why, my body just moves like a cat moves... natural clumsy reflexes I guess... so I don't really hurt myself often. This time I was trying to save my coffee and not so worried about the stairs. I fell to the landing and rammed my back/hip on a stair. I saved half my coffee... But OMG it hurt. This was a 9:30 am this morning. It's not 7:16 pm and I'm still hurting. this sucks! I'm hoping its just a bruise and nothing too serious because I can move but it hurts to move certain ways. yuck!

See? I'm a summer girl!! I need flip flops and sunshine not ice and snow. I'm seriously wondering why I didn't just go south. But hey! I can still make the best of it some how. Am I being punished for waiting for September now?

Cake is to Have And to Eat

Well I did it again. I tried to push boyfriend away. Poor S is the cake I guess. I try to push him away all the time. J really messed me up I think because I really and truly don't believe Boyfriend S and how he REALLY wants big things for us. I want to believe him but honestly somethings bug me. somethings give me red flag. Last night I pulled the drink a little too much and try to break up with S again. This all kinda happened because I told boyfriend that I wanted to go back to learn about my Native American heritage, but I would have to go away for a month to do so. Well S takes this awfully wrong so when I woke up this morning I get the booming words "WE have some things WE NEED TO TALK about". I even told him "The Indians sent me a coyote in my backyard" I was defiantly trying to sell this Indian thing to him. This morning I said that won't even happen, but if it does it'd be nuts. It took us a couple of hours but we talked it all out. we're doing fine now, which is fantastic. I dunno, I wanna tell him that sometimes I wanna have my cake and eat it too I want him but I wanna be single. I can't though. I'd risk losing him and I'm not sure I want to. He tells me he wants to spend the rest of his life with me, and I had to tell him that it is not his fault, as much as I believe him I'm so scared to trust that statement because I have heard it before and believed it and was let down. I couldn't even get it out with out bawling. S really is a wonderful man. He REALLY loves me. Please God help me to get past my fears and let him love me?

Here is a poem I wrote, It reminds me of the situation;

Please God Lend me some shoes?
Current mood: confused

Please God Lend me some Shoes?

Dear God, please lend me the shoes of a strong willed woman,

So I can walk a mile and realize that will is not all I need

Help me see that will itself only helps me proceed

Please loan me a pair of well warned boots of one with nerves of steel

I will give them back in one day maybe two

I need to learn how to make my tension heal

Teach me to be strong, to walk with my head high

And not worry so much that I will someday die

Let me borrow the shoes of an elderly woman who has seen it all

And has faith that the Good Lord will take her because she has done all her living

May you allow me to use my mother's shoes

To understand the trials she went through

And also a while her mother's too

Though we are close in voice I can't possibly understand

Unless I see it from my own eyes

Dear God lend me the shoes of my faithful lover

So I can understand the stress I put this wonderful man under

Teach me the ways to make me stronger

In body, in mind, in faith through feet, and eyes

Then return me my shoes so I can again walk through life;

much more than a mile and a few pairs of shoes wiser.

JLC 12/27/07

He REALLY loves me.

I know he does and I love him.

A Question from The New Girl on Post

New Girl on Post blogged "Question Kinda Day" for today and it just made me start thinking about how much this blog has done for me in the last year and a half!

Here's my Answer and I will go into it deeper in a little while I Just wanna go have a beer cause the NY Jets just beat the San Diego Chargers:

Twisted Jess said...

I started blogging in July of 2008. My boyfriend at the time was in Navy Recruit Training command and I needed something to take my mind off the fact that he was gone and not many of my friends at home understood a thing I was going through. My friend Sarah on Sarah Takes on the World was going through something similar and suggested I try it. I vented my way through his A School,and first deployment and sadly through the end of our relationship. but it also helps me now through my search for me. I love it and I love reading all of you ladies' blogs and finding new and fun ones. Blog land is great! Thank you for the great question!!

I will not search. What will be will be

New Idea for me.

I always long for starting a family and finding a home.... One where I can actually say HOME, "I'm going Home" and it actually is a home: A house that my family is in. MY family. Well, I give up. It seems the more I long for it, the longer it takes. It's like longing to find love. My biggest advice is Don't look for it. Have the time of your life and it will fall in your lap when you least expect it. Well here we go... I'm taking my own advice for once. I will have the time of my life. I'm not searching for it. I'm not longing for either one anymore. I'm going to live my life and when it happens to fall into my lap I will thank God for it. Until then... I will not worry about it passing me by because you can't pass by something like this... God has his reasons and everything happens for a reason. If it is meant to be it will be...

Prayers for Haiti and All of Our Troops

Please keep Haiti, her people, and our troops and their families who are working hard out in the desert and deploying for disaster relief in your thoughts and prayers. God Bless our Heroes and please keep them safe!

Rick, Julie, & Jacob
Rick is leaving for Disaster Relief With the U.S. Army as we speck

List # 1 : needs / wants

Need List:
I'm heading to Wal*mart. Most likely not getting any of these things, but I figured I'm gonna work on some lists... The lists help me organize and work towards goals so, why not post the best one first huh?

Needs:

Curtains for my room: 8 windows
Dresser / Armorer / Storage buckets for clothes
Underwear / Socks
Jeans / Slacks (Pair of black pants for work)
New Fuzzy boots


Wants:

Book: Dear John
Cover for my Phone
Microwave

Temporary Home

Justin and I have knew each other when we were young and our mothers were in beauty school together. Our mothers' lost touch and our lives moved into different places. About a year ago we re-met in Pennsy. It was really cool. He's on the right.

Justin

:(

u in mass still?

7:47pmJessica

ya.

i love and hate that too... I got some serious winter blues

7:48pm Justin

u can trade in ur car.

u dont like mass so much any more?

7:49pmJessica

its alright. just too freakin cold

7:49pmJustin

lol at least u have snow tho. cold without snow is like... a whore with... no... pimp?...

7:50pmJessica

and i dunno i'm back and forth with the homesickness. not so much for the place home but the family and friends home

7:50pmJustin

i know what you mean

i havent felt 'home' in a long time

7:50pmJessica

ya i got plenty of snow

7:51pmJessica

aw i'm sorry! I mean i feel at home but its an odd feeling too me cause its just so bumpy i dunno...

7:52pmJustin

its fine, i'll find it one day. i think i understand what you mean tho

7:54pmJessica

you might. but Its not a good feeling so I don't wish that ya do

7:55pmJessica

besides its strange like if i feel too at home i kinda freak out... its like pushing away someone you love because you don't know any better

7:55pmJustin

i'd heard it said before that once you move away when you grow up, you never do find home again. nothing ever will feel like it.. you make your own eventually

but its never the same

heh, come to think of it, i think that was from the movie Garden State

7:56pmJessica

good way to look at it though the search is hard

7:58pmJustin

ah, found it.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0333766/quotes

the third set of quotes down

8:02pmJessica

*sigh*

Shortly after Justin and My conversation I heard Carrie Underwood's new song "Temporary Home". It was fitting for the conversation and slightly ironic.