What Will Be Will Be Boyfriend

How many times does a relationship have to succeed? How many times can the bad out weigh the good? How many times can one prove that it's worth it, and you really want it. I'm no angel, but I know what I want for the most part. I promised myself I would not look for it right now... (What will be Will be) because I want it to be in my lap right now, but that promise is painful just a little. I know that Boyfriend is a wonderful man and he wants what I want. What I am not sure is if he wants it as much as I do. After so many days of his over drinking and my hiding my aggravation I again wanted so desperately to tell him it's the booze or it's me. Like I said, I'm no angel, but I'm trying to not over do my drinking. I'm so tired of watching what I want pass me by because of the alcohol. So instead, I asked Boyfriend if he could stop drinking so much, and then asked if we needed some time away from one another to decide if he was ready to do that. He told me he didn't need time away to not drink and he was tired of over doing it. It is unfortunate, but this has had to be proven to me before and he did... this time he's gone since Friday and is going strong. Resisting the beer even when it is in front of him. I'm very proud of him. I do fear though that I am asking him too much. That he doesn't want to grow up with me as much as he says. Only because we've had this problem a few times before. I am praying our relationship finds a way and that I am not asking too much, being a hypocrite, or the promises are just bidding time for another heart break.

Friend Making Monday

Friend Making Monday- Valentine's Day

1) How did you spend your Valentine's Day? What did you get? What did you do?

Well Unfortunately the day started off faulty. Boyfriend was out late drinking with a buddy the night before and I was mad at him. He was hung over and cranky and we argued in the morning. It was not resolved until later that evening after I got home from work.

I walked in and he had cleaned up the room, and the middle of the table from "Dirty Table" that was clean he had wrapped a couple things and had a card on top Labeled "My Love". And Three red roses in a wine craft with an I love you. Great Salvage! I melted. I had told him I was going to make him Potato pancakes but after all the arguing and my 6 hour shift at work I was too tired to cook. I made them today instead. He told me that it was the best meal of the year and I He liked them better than his mothers. I told him not to tell his mom that! lol So between my gifts and his gifts The only issue is the serious amount of Chocolate that is in this room.

Thank you Amber {ae Flikins} for Friend Making Monday-Valentine's Day!!

Cake is to Have And to Eat

Well I did it again. I tried to push boyfriend away. Poor S is the cake I guess. I try to push him away all the time. J really messed me up I think because I really and truly don't believe Boyfriend S and how he REALLY wants big things for us. I want to believe him but honestly somethings bug me. somethings give me red flag. Last night I pulled the drink a little too much and try to break up with S again. This all kinda happened because I told boyfriend that I wanted to go back to learn about my Native American heritage, but I would have to go away for a month to do so. Well S takes this awfully wrong so when I woke up this morning I get the booming words "WE have some things WE NEED TO TALK about". I even told him "The Indians sent me a coyote in my backyard" I was defiantly trying to sell this Indian thing to him. This morning I said that won't even happen, but if it does it'd be nuts. It took us a couple of hours but we talked it all out. we're doing fine now, which is fantastic. I dunno, I wanna tell him that sometimes I wanna have my cake and eat it too I want him but I wanna be single. I can't though. I'd risk losing him and I'm not sure I want to. He tells me he wants to spend the rest of his life with me, and I had to tell him that it is not his fault, as much as I believe him I'm so scared to trust that statement because I have heard it before and believed it and was let down. I couldn't even get it out with out bawling. S really is a wonderful man. He REALLY loves me. Please God help me to get past my fears and let him love me?

Here is a poem I wrote, It reminds me of the situation;

Please God Lend me some shoes?
Current mood: confused

Please God Lend me some Shoes?

Dear God, please lend me the shoes of a strong willed woman,

So I can walk a mile and realize that will is not all I need

Help me see that will itself only helps me proceed

Please loan me a pair of well warned boots of one with nerves of steel

I will give them back in one day maybe two

I need to learn how to make my tension heal

Teach me to be strong, to walk with my head high

And not worry so much that I will someday die

Let me borrow the shoes of an elderly woman who has seen it all

And has faith that the Good Lord will take her because she has done all her living

May you allow me to use my mother's shoes

To understand the trials she went through

And also a while her mother's too

Though we are close in voice I can't possibly understand

Unless I see it from my own eyes

Dear God lend me the shoes of my faithful lover

So I can understand the stress I put this wonderful man under

Teach me the ways to make me stronger

In body, in mind, in faith through feet, and eyes

Then return me my shoes so I can again walk through life;

much more than a mile and a few pairs of shoes wiser.

JLC 12/27/07

He REALLY loves me.

I know he does and I love him.

Need to Change my Winter Blues

And What is the weather like today? Snowy.

I talked with S a little last night. I asked him if he thought I had been miserable.
Yup. You've been miserable all month! He insisted.

S is all confused as to how things can bother me so much. Says he doesn't get it. Why did I move up here in the first place if I was going to miss my family and friends so much?
J: Because I was drowning in NJ I didn't know I would be miserable.

J: I don't think I had the chance to find myself up here because we got into a relationship so fast.
S: What sleeping around would have helped you "find yourself"
J: no. I am happy I have you You helped me find home!
S: But you hate your job, don't like where you live (the list goes on).
J: But if it were for you I would have been miserable from the start. You make me more comfortable. You gave me home!! Without you I would have bailed months ago!!
S: Happy I make you feel better Baby!

S : "you've Changed" That's a fantastic 4 month mark in a relationship.
Reasons: In the beginning drinking wasn't bad. "We haven't been drinking as much as we could" is S's favorite quote. Now you don't even want to drink.

J: I can't help it. I don't wanna be that drunk girl, and I defiantly don't want to lose my dreams of a family because I have to party all the time. I came up here to Change, Change is what I want to do.

Why do you care what other people think of you soooo much?? S doesn't understand because He really only cares about what a few people think, me being one. But he completely missed the point. Its what I think of myself.

See? SUMMER!! We need you!!

How I met my "Trouble"

Is it safe to say, when you don't look something real comes your way?
and what is honestly real?

When Trouble and I met, it was the literal day that J had totally screwed me. J called me from MS and said "hey I'm back in the states, wanna drive down here (from MA) and have some steak and get laid?" I was shocked and annoyed by his total ignorance about me supporting his every move while deployed and in Naval School just to become a booty call. SO I was done. I got off the line with him, went into the Anchor and switched my undrank draft to a shot of Wild turkey. Across the bar from me was Trouble. He was sitting by a Keno Machine next to his cousin (Wasn't sure if his cousin was a girlfriend or a friend or what) and I was staring at him trying to get him to come over to me. I made the mistake of mentioning to my Aunt I thought he was hot, but I couldn't tell if he was wearing a ring (I know way better to mess with the local girls around here and in general there aren't a lot of hot single guys at all... they are all taken...) So my Aunt goes right over to him and asks him "How many times have you been married" (yup... She's crazy just like I am... Teenager in a 58 year old body) I was mortified... She reports back with "he's never been married." he gets up to smoke a cigarette with the mystery girl and as he passes he looks at me and says don't worry i was looking at you too and I'll be back over to talk with you in a bit. We talked for a while, At the end of the night he gave me a flower and went home. He didn't try to kiss me, he didn't try to talk me back to his place, and he told me that he was sure that we could really make each other happy that night when we were texting back and forth. (ya... i did it... I texted him like an hour after he left lol)


I didn't hang out with Trouble Friday night... We texted back and forth through his lunch break while i was out job hunting... and then that night I went drinking at the Anchor again with my aunt and uncle, took a ride on a bike and lost my Cell phone. Now I did hook up with bike guy... I was drinking... Freshly single New girl in a New town... and Seriously scorned by a Sailor... I didn't sleep with him though and all I kept thinking was "Why do I feel like I'm cheating on Trouble????"

I think God decided I needed to lose my Cell phone that night for 2 reasons:

1. I shouldn't be taking rides from Strangers on Harleys
2. Time to REALLY start a fresh life... Get the numbers of the people that really count and leave the people that I thought meant something to me behind...

If i had the power to take back one single night I would. I could not though. Some times Aunt Cyndi teases Trouble sometimes about giving him the 3rd degree when we first met... and he didn't get the 3rd degree at all... Since this has happened more than once recently, I had to tell Trouble what it was about. Trouble didn't take it well. He was hurt and confused. Typical guy I suppose, but I never figured I would have to worry about Trouble being upset about something that happened before I was his girlfriend. It too a little while for me to get him to understand that I didn't expect him to come into my life, but he did and I couldn't help but fall for him.

My friend Trouble would have understood. My boyfriend Trouble may think about this too much... or maybe I will. Our relationship has been based on the truth. He knows everything about my trials the last year. I told him first thing hello Trouble, I'm a train wreck right now. Loving me is easy, but dealing with me sometimes is tough. When I get to thinking too much I need someone to help me relax. He took this job fully knowing, and the past couple months have been fantastic. We click so well, and I think its because we are great friends first. Being with him is like being with family. He really is that comfortable.