I will not search. What will be will be

New Idea for me.

I always long for starting a family and finding a home.... One where I can actually say HOME, "I'm going Home" and it actually is a home: A house that my family is in. MY family. Well, I give up. It seems the more I long for it, the longer it takes. It's like longing to find love. My biggest advice is Don't look for it. Have the time of your life and it will fall in your lap when you least expect it. Well here we go... I'm taking my own advice for once. I will have the time of my life. I'm not searching for it. I'm not longing for either one anymore. I'm going to live my life and when it happens to fall into my lap I will thank God for it. Until then... I will not worry about it passing me by because you can't pass by something like this... God has his reasons and everything happens for a reason. If it is meant to be it will be...

Temporary Home

Justin and I have knew each other when we were young and our mothers were in beauty school together. Our mothers' lost touch and our lives moved into different places. About a year ago we re-met in Pennsy. It was really cool. He's on the right.

Justin

:(

u in mass still?

7:47pmJessica

ya.

i love and hate that too... I got some serious winter blues

7:48pm Justin

u can trade in ur car.

u dont like mass so much any more?

7:49pmJessica

its alright. just too freakin cold

7:49pmJustin

lol at least u have snow tho. cold without snow is like... a whore with... no... pimp?...

7:50pmJessica

and i dunno i'm back and forth with the homesickness. not so much for the place home but the family and friends home

7:50pmJustin

i know what you mean

i havent felt 'home' in a long time

7:50pmJessica

ya i got plenty of snow

7:51pmJessica

aw i'm sorry! I mean i feel at home but its an odd feeling too me cause its just so bumpy i dunno...

7:52pmJustin

its fine, i'll find it one day. i think i understand what you mean tho

7:54pmJessica

you might. but Its not a good feeling so I don't wish that ya do

7:55pmJessica

besides its strange like if i feel too at home i kinda freak out... its like pushing away someone you love because you don't know any better

7:55pmJustin

i'd heard it said before that once you move away when you grow up, you never do find home again. nothing ever will feel like it.. you make your own eventually

but its never the same

heh, come to think of it, i think that was from the movie Garden State

7:56pmJessica

good way to look at it though the search is hard

7:58pmJustin

ah, found it.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0333766/quotes

the third set of quotes down

8:02pmJessica

*sigh*

Shortly after Justin and My conversation I heard Carrie Underwood's new song "Temporary Home". It was fitting for the conversation and slightly ironic.

Need to Change my Winter Blues

And What is the weather like today? Snowy.

I talked with S a little last night. I asked him if he thought I had been miserable.
Yup. You've been miserable all month! He insisted.

S is all confused as to how things can bother me so much. Says he doesn't get it. Why did I move up here in the first place if I was going to miss my family and friends so much?
J: Because I was drowning in NJ I didn't know I would be miserable.

J: I don't think I had the chance to find myself up here because we got into a relationship so fast.
S: What sleeping around would have helped you "find yourself"
J: no. I am happy I have you You helped me find home!
S: But you hate your job, don't like where you live (the list goes on).
J: But if it were for you I would have been miserable from the start. You make me more comfortable. You gave me home!! Without you I would have bailed months ago!!
S: Happy I make you feel better Baby!

S : "you've Changed" That's a fantastic 4 month mark in a relationship.
Reasons: In the beginning drinking wasn't bad. "We haven't been drinking as much as we could" is S's favorite quote. Now you don't even want to drink.

J: I can't help it. I don't wanna be that drunk girl, and I defiantly don't want to lose my dreams of a family because I have to party all the time. I came up here to Change, Change is what I want to do.

Why do you care what other people think of you soooo much?? S doesn't understand because He really only cares about what a few people think, me being one. But he completely missed the point. Its what I think of myself.

See? SUMMER!! We need you!!

Comfort Foods and Places For Twisted J

These are all the things that make me happy when I'm feeling blue. I am a comfort food baby. Simple Pleasures for a Twisted Jessica. If I crave my Comfort cure I will not be happy until I get it and when I do I'm as happy as a clam*.


Baileys Irish Cream:
My love for the cold Winter days. In my Hot Coffee for snow storms, First drink for Morristown St. Patrick's Day Parade Day, and a wonderful pick me up for hangover afternoons. In my Hot Chocolate during November and December for the Holiday Season, and I've learned it is fantastic in Dunkin Donuts Ice coffee for summertime, and I love it on the rocks too!!

Dunkin Donuts & CVS:
My boyfriend S teases me about CVS because I will bypass any other pharmacy just to go there. When I'm at Grandmom and Grandpop's in Mystic Island, NJ I will drive to Long Beach Island just to go to CVS which is 15 - 20 minutes away from their house off or Radio Road. I've found a CVS in every town I have been too from Broadheadsville, PA, to Gulfport, MS, and even up here in Salem, MA and I love it. CVS spells Home to me. and my Home CVS is in Chatham, NJ.

Dunkin Donuts:
A special treat that I overindulge constantly. Another thing S has pointed out is a Landmark my towns by Dunkin Donuts locations. Coffee itself is my savior...
C once explained to a friend "Jess is seriously the only stereotypical coffee drinker I know! She can not function in the morning until she has her first cup."
So not so much the hot coffee with D&Ds, but Iced Coffee is the love of my life!
When I'm depressed, homesick, PMSing; D&D's Ice coffee.
When I'm hungover; D&D's Ice coffee.
Road trip: D&D's Ice coffee
When I had Strep D&D's Ice coffee
When I've been working the bar all day Wild guess: Yup! D&D's Ice coffee
and All summer long; D&D's Ice coffee

Boyfriend S introduced me to a couple very yummy Dunkin Donuts combination for our road trip this past October; Said it was his friend Drunk Boy's favorite; Half hazelnut coffee half hot chocolate. OMG drunk boy! it was fantastic! Best Fall road trip pick me up EVER!! I L O V E it!!

I've about summed up Hot Chocolate too... I do drink it without Baileys all the time. My favorite is when its made with milk, but I love it anyway its made with and without whipped cream and marshmellows. I love Chocolate milk too. Had a glass yesterday. I'm PMS girl right now!

Tuna fish:
Don't know what it is, but Tuna fish sandwiches make me happy. I crave them mostly when I'm hungover. or when I'm sad. Must be because Grandma Marie made Tuna fish all the time and I had plenty of them in my brown paper bag lunches growing up. best with potato bread, American cheese, & lettuce. Love it as a tuna melt with tomato soup!

Kraft Yellow American Cheese Singles, Potato Bread, & Cambell's Tomato Soup:
Best Oohy Gooey Grilled Cheese and tomato soup ever!! My Favorite combo.

I love cheese and any cheese will do but I will literally crave Kraft Yellow American Cheese Singles and eat them as a snack. I'd chose them over a potato chip any day or even a chocolate chip cookie. They must be yellow... not white.

Potato bread is just the best bread ever for sandwiches. I love bread and I love Sandwiches but sometimes it must be Potato bread!!

Tomato soup: I love it. It doesn't have to be Cambell's but Cambell's is my favorite pick for the best Grilled cheese and tomato soup combo ever!!


Finally Frozen Sweet Peas:
Dunno where I picked this up... But I did and I love it. I think it's another Grandpa thing. Grandpa C gave me lots of comfort food. I would go to the freezer in the utility room (a.k.a. basement, storage, room next to the garage with a back door) grab a bag of frozen peas and chow down on them with a little butter. Weird yes... because I know one person who does it and that's Aunt Cyndi and we didn't even know each other until July 2009. My two old roommates from Boonton Ave would always yell at me cause when they were sweeping they knew when I was into them. little shriveled up peas in the corners of the kitchen (lol!!) Sorry CQ and H!! The peas actually taste good frozen too... sweeter than when cooked. I put them in my pasta dishes all the time. Cold or Hot pastas. Yup! I'm weird... but who cares cause it makes me happy!

Above: my main and most craved comforting foods and places.

I crave other things too but not nearly as much as the ones above. Hot dogs microwaved, Pasta Salad, Tomatoes; Particularly Jersey beefsteak tomatoes, so sweet I eat them like apples, baloney, Apples and Peanut butter (must be crunchy for the best), Nuts, raisins, trail mix, pasta with white clam sauce, pasta with pink sauce and peas, Macaroni and Cheese, zucchini, potato leek soup, Onion rings with Russian dressing, Garden Salads, Asparagus, and sometimes... sardines and or pickled herring.



"Happy as a Clam"

* "As a simile, happy as a clam, when applied to people, means they feel a special safety or security. Things are well in the world and danger is, for the moment, at a safe distance. The clamshell contains the person well, providing safety, and a virtually uncrackable hardness. As Saxe writes in his last line of his sonnet: “thy case is shocking hard!”

Emotions Run High in Southren Miss

I really need some reassurance today. I know I'm not the only one... but it feels like I am. J and I have had some really serious fun and a bunch of alone time these last couple of days!! He is freaking out a little though. Feeling smothered by me because he is used to being alone. He did a 180 yesterday after his friend left the hotel room. J turned into this cold unemotional say anything to make me unhappy jerk. the bed in this hotel room is tiny and he wouldn't even cuddle with me. I freaked out. My tears don't always make him snap out of his anger... more times than not he gets colder, I think because he assumes I am crying to make him personally feel bad and not because it is just a normal reaction for an over stressed and sad girl.

I've noticed he has gotten this way more times closer to when he has to let me go and maybe he does it because it is easier for him to shut down his emotions so he can feel better. He did it the day before he left for Boot camp, was a jerk to me the day he left, got cold for a short time the day before his family and I were about to leave him after his graduation form RTC and a couple times while he was on leave. this leaving me wondering WTF am I waiting for him....??? but then its over like it never happened...

I cannot make too many excuses for him but I do understand it is because he is scared... but How do I counter act him when his deployment is coming sooooo close. generally I can slow down the reaction by asking him to please consider my feelings and reminding him that it may be extremely hard for him to leave... but I also have a lot to handle with him leaving too... and that I just want to have a good note instead of a bad taste when waiting for him... because it is the only thing I know how to do. I told him, if I lost him I would lose my home... because that is what he is... the say all end all, my heart and my soul belong to him alone. I plead please be gentle.

I may sound crazy here but crazy is how I feel sometimes. If anyone has a similar story or any ideas how I can try to break this so we can have a good last night together please help!!

"With your help,Dear God, I'll try to stay strong...

and pray that his tie here at home will be long.

Still, "I know that the Navy will need him," I sigh

but we'll face it together, Dear Lord, you and I"

I should have time to check it, but if anything it may help me even tomorrow or the next days to come when we have to say our I'll see you in September!

Restless in Pennsy

The road trip has defiantly led me to ready to run again!! Being on the road makes me free... and since I'm still in my situation in Pennsy / Jersey I wanna get out!! J's deployment is scaring me... I can't have my home because my home is wherever he is. so I still figure I will make my way to Virgina.

Yesterday sucked!! My mother woke me up yelling basically. She wanted her keys back because she doesn't want me to come and go as I please. Says I'm not to come back if I go to Jersey. When she was yelling at me I turned my music up like a disgruntled teenager. She continued to yell. In fact when I had no responce to her yelling she added J into the mix. Said he's using me and I must be an idiot. I would be fine if she didn't attack him. She thinks for some reason he should be sending me money. I don't want him to... If he could he would, but We aren't married yet and he shouldn't have to do that. I'm banking on getting my life on track before he gets home in September. Then we can REALLY know if this will all work out for the best. Till then my heart will be restless. my constant roaming and searching will not sit still.

I'm making my way to Pop Pop's today. His wisdom of years helps me decide what I want to do. If Grandpa doesn't agree with something... I look at it more than twice. His wisdom is worldly to me.

Any way... My question is What do I do??

Still lost... maybe even more than before.

The simple things that make a girl happy.

he said he brought something back he thought I might like. He doesn't think it's that big of a deal but I love it. especially because It's got his initials.

My Grandfather still defines Faith even though he left us in 2006

Today like most Sundays this month I made it to church. I made it to the eleven o’clock service this time, which was Grandma and Grandpa’s usual service. It’s quieter and there is an elder crowd than the 9 am service. Odd thing though today, I was not alone in the pew, I grabbed a bulletin and sat down, I had actually taken two. So I think Grandpa was sitting beside me at the service today.

After the service a couple of folks recognized me and said hello to me. The ones who did not asked my name. “My name is Jessica”, I told them. “I’m Cal and Marie’s granddaughter.” They were so happy to see me and had questions about Grandma. One man came up and said “You are talking to a Coats. Her grandfather was a fantastic man; he in himself was the definition of faith!” He exclaimed. I thanked him through some tears. I was so honored that I was from the same family of a man that is spoken so highly of especially from some folks that I am not really sure who they are. I am sure I will learn everyone’s names soon again but I could not remember them now. She told me that when she became a member of the church that Grandma and Grandpa showed her the ropes. He had helped her a lot. I left there this afternoon so proud and honored by the words of these folks. I would love to be just like Grandpa. In many ways I am, but he moved so many people and so many lives that his reputation precedes him. Anyone who knew his has fantastic things to say about him not just in the church, but in the community and in the Masonic world as well. His work is still being done and he left us the summer of 2006. I can only hope to be half as good as my Grandpa. It is such an honor to think of him these days and this day in particular.

Today we also had Communion. One more memory I have to share about my church and Grandparents is one about Holy Communion. Grandma used to do the flowers in the back. Every Sunday that church did communion Grandma would come home with the leftover bread and grape juice. That was always a nice treat. I always felt a little silly that we had the body and blood of Christ in our refrigerator but it was always really yummy. Also the smell of fresh cut flowers in the back room and the coffee cans that were piled in Grandma’s house so she could put the flowers and Grandpa could run them to the people that they were set aside for after the service.

My grandparents were very special to the church and they are so loved there and very much missed. I can only hope to be that strongly connected to my faith and my church family. I am working on it. It is week 4 now and I have not missed a service. I love getting back to my roots it feels good.
~ JLC

Sunday Morning Church, It was nice to be home.

It has been a goal of mine to start going back to church. No matter where I am I want to make it to a service on Sundays. This is my second Sunday in a row so I think I am doing good with my goal. There are so many days these last couple of months I had promised and promised myself I would go because I needed to pray and I needed to badly.

It's always good to go home.

I went to my church CUMC and I found home. The smiling faces and the welcoming I received warmed me. I don't go there often because it is hard for me not to see Grandma and Grandpa C there. but it doesn't matter. The two of them are part of the church. Grandpa will always be there for me and it will always be home. The sermon was all about being thankful for who you are and what you have and saying thank you for it. I always thank God for the things I have and the people I know.

And the Prayers. I prayed for Grandmom and Pop Pop and the long year this family has had. I prayed for J and his family and the trials his family has had this year. Uncle C and Aunt F and the gang. And always in my prayers Grandma C, Aunt G, and the rest of the family out west. all my cousins and extended family and that their lives will work out with his help. for the boys out in Iraq and the boys that are on their home bases in the states and working hard here.
That all would be okay and if it will not please give us the stength to pull through. and my daily thank you's for a fantastic family and wonderful people as friends.

I have a lot to be thankful for.

~ Jessica Lynn