July 17th, 2006 I got a phone call from my father that changed my life. The mere fact that he called in the first place made me nervous, he was never good at that and I felt I was the last to know the important things. This has been one of the exceptions before and to this date… and the call is something that runs through my mind often….
“Jess, are you home?”
“No.” I said “I’m with Heather at Ringside… What’s up?
“Jess, I need you to come home, Grandpa is back in the hospital and I need you to stay with Grandma so I can go see him. We don’t think he is going to make it this time.”
His words shattered me and I was immediately on the road to get to Chatham. I even called him half way there to plead he go right away I was only a couple minutes away and if he went now I also could get my chance to say goodbye to him, but when I got there emits my scolding Dad for still being home he broke the news to me. He told home it was too late. Grandpa was already gone.
The one thing that had been strong and true in my life was forced from my hands and slowly taken from my possession and vision. My grandparents, whom I could always count on to be in that little blue house I grew up in, always to be there… one moved to Iowa and the other moved to heaven. The foundation I extended from was no longer there… I the place I grew from was sold to a divorced man who wanted to be close to him children. My father moved to Florham Park, and my brother moved to Pennsylvania.
I think about my grandfather a lot. Everyday I wish I could have done more than just say “I called on your birthday Grandpa but no one answered the phone. Did you have a Good birthday?” He said “thank you I had a nice birthday Jess.” That was our last conversation in front of the sink in his home. Then I ran off to do whatever I had planned to do that afternoon. I cannot remember if I told him I love him. I think I may have… And I never got to tell him that I had so much respect for him and wanted no more to prove to him that I was a responsible and independent woman that could do great things. I was told he knew… and small things helped me understand… small things like his and Grandma’s wedding album. It was left on the kitchen table one evening and I wrote a note telling them both how I admired their relationship and how long-lived it was. How they stood by one another till death do they part and that the vow they made was still strong to that day…. How I longed to be just like them when I marry. When we were cleaning out their home, I found that album, with the note still attached. I was also told by Bob at church that he had found a letter I had left on my Pastor Dale Forsman’s grave. Bob had taken the letter home because he was worried that it may get ruined in the winter’s weather. And while my grandfather was in the hospital, Bob read him the letter so he could know that his granddaughter was a good person. And that he was happy to hear such great thoughts from me. I still remember noticing that my letter to Dale had disappeared. But I didn’t know where it had gone.
My Grandfather was a good man. I feel selfish not letting him go but he was like a father to me… and I cannot seem to move on. I talk about him constantly and wonder if he sees me or if he is walking beside me. I talk to him sometimes like he can hear me… and cry when I stay on his thought for too long. An American flag makes me think of him the most… he fought for this country in WWII in the USAF and came back and made a family that I have the honor of being a part of. The biggest thing I miss about him was how he was a rock. He kept this family in touch. He made it strong no matter how far away his son and daughter moved they always came back to see him and to see us. I can only hope that we will be able to be like he wanted us to and I can only hope to accomplish out of my life that he gave to me and everyone he loved. I hope you can read blogs in Heaven Grandpa! I love you!
I think of him so much these days because my very good friend Kathy has lost her father. He was a good man and should have been with Kathy and her brothers and sisters longer. I hope I can be strong for her as much as she has stood by me in the past. When Grandpa and Grandma both were in the hospital, Kathy was a nurse on their floors. She helped me know where they were and I just hope I can do the same for her as she has done for me.
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