Operation Damned if I do, Damned if I don't

God I wonder if I really am cut out for this... But I know I am... Just need the push...


I know this may sound like a silly question but it drives me crazy. J has Facebook. I bugged him to open an account because it would be easier to keep in touch with me and all his friends especially because he's deployed right now. But this is the silly thing that drives me crazy... He doesn't respond to me, any of my messages, wall posts, nothing But he talks to everyone else. why does he do this... is he testing me to see how far I will take it until I burst? or is it not a game at all...

I've mentioned that I never know if he gets me emails because he never responds, I've written him letters, He hasn't responded and even though He doesn't spend alot of time on the Internet (he's not the type) He responds to just about everyone else that messages him. Don't get me wrong I get a phone call every couple of days which half his friends don't get that so I am thankful, but I've told him it would help me feel better about waiting for him if I had something physical. and he'll just ask for more packages...

Why does he do this... is he trying to push me away or does he just want to keep his feelings away from me so he doesn't hurt from the separation?

Deployment bites. I feel like I'm damned if i do and damned if I don't. I have to face mentioning it to him if it bothers me too much, but I feel like I'm being stupid.

♥ Letter to J:

against my better judgment I'm going to flat out ask you why you never respond to me I love your phone calls Baby, but I would also love to have a little more positive attention. Like a "ya I'm having a good day" or a "I can't wait to see you either" or an "I love you" or something positive! only one time you responded to anything on this facebook or email was that stupid negative post on the picture of vodka which hurt my feelings.

I need to hear you need me, want me, and love me. sappy or not it would make it so much easier for me.
I'm not trying to be a pest. I'm here for you 100 percent of the way. Just give me something to hang on to please?

I love you J!


I felt so whinny sending this to him, and it just kills me. I really think that he doesn't post on my page because it's easier not to hurt C, just but I have mentioned it before. I'm far too paranoid sometimes... I just need to know what he is thinking. Like he's already saying it would be dumb for me to move to Mississippi when he comes back because he won't be there for long, but he's there for at least another year and a half. So his lack of response on Facebook is killing me... and generally the phone calls are just send me packages... so in my head I'm like WTF I mean are you just using me for packages and then gonna drop me when you get home?


Operation Don't give a Damn....

Tell ya the truth, my heart says hang in there only a couple more months ... but my head says get outta there before he hurts ya Jess...

And once he gets back to the states he WILL pay more attention to me... I dunno..

I can say this when it doesn't come to me... Jay is kinda a weird case to crack always has been... So I've decided to not be so readily available to him and ignore a couple of his phone calls... He seems to get a little weirded out when he thinks I need him "Too much" so i need to get fired up and stand up for myself... then he comes back cause he doesn't wanna lose me.

I hate psychology sometimes. I gotta treat him like a little kid and I get results. Damn military guys!!

First Deployment Package

Just some stuff to remind J of home.

Lemon slices, Mint Lifesavers, Assorted Flavored Lifesavers, pack of gum, Gummy worms, Orange slices, Twizzlers, Country time Lemonade, and Tropical Starbursts

2 small boxes of liquid gel Advil, Aloe, Kleenex, Giant Tub of Tums Smoothies, Blistex

I love New Jersey Stickers (one says "JERZ" on it),

a Stuffed Snake to remind him of our baby Scar

(who REALY is not a baby. SHE's Huge now)

2 tee shirts; 1 from the American Legion and 1 from the Garden State Parkway that says NEW JERSEY on it.

a whole bunch of cards with notes by a bunch of friends

craziness!!!
finally packed tight and sent with love from New Jersey

Another Fun thing to do when you're at Wal-Mart getting a whole lot of fun stuff to send to your deployed boyfriend:

Get a cute blouse and purse for $16.

All and all, this was a blast and the best part is thinking of his smile when he opens this box and how maybe I will be the opposite of "the worst girlfriend ever!" as he called me last week when I told him I had only sent letters in the mail. He was like a little kid; the one who doesn't want clothes for Christmas. He'd rather a package than letters. I have to laugh.

I love you Baby!! Come home soon!!
"getcha flippin kinda trippy like a Mississippi hippie"
<3,
Jessica Lynn

as I lie awake, my mind is with you

I was laying wide eyed awake last night until about 5 am. Posting goofy little saying about my love for my Seabee. God I miss him. I understand how it gets easier, the wait for him to arrive home, but right now my mind doesn't want to comply. It wants to wander off to far off places (mainly Kuwait) and sit beside him as he works.



At 4 am I posted on my Facebook stats:

Jessica Lynn ~ as I lie awake this night, my mind drifts off to foreign lands, and half my heart works busy as a Bee, in that foreign hot deserts' sands.8 hours ago

His Good friend Neil Told me the other day, He had a Dream I dressed in Cammo and painted my car in cammo and an airplane dropped it off in the desert so I could go find J.
LOL Neil! He doesn't understand how my car made it to Mississippi or how I was crazy enough to drive it there in the first place. lol!

And my final random Girl missing her boyfriend babbling...

I walked away from my phone for 1 second to change in the bathroom that has no service... and what do I hear??
Anchor's Away playing outside the door. I fumble to get my pants on but through my shaking I cannot make it out the door clothed (and I have to because my two boy cousins are in the room outside) So my first missed call from Kuwait!
Luckily J says on the voicemail he'll call back after he calls his father in case I'm in the shower. So I"m not completely out of luck this time!

A long wait or short it doesn't seem to matter!
Missing him is still the same.
The first month is the hardest I hear...
"The things {we} do for our country" ~ Triple X

Left My Heart in Southern Miss

A prayer for the Navy girlfriends

Navy Girlfriends Prayer:

How often we've stood on dark flight lines and piers...
"I love you," "I'll miss you" whispered through tears.
During long separations, in peacetime, at war.....
My nights filled with dreams of this man i adore.
With only my memories to hold close at night.....
I love for the day God returns my sunlight.
Yes, life goes on when your loved one's at sea..
but the ache never leaves, the fear stays with me.
Dear Lord, I need your guidance, your love....
help me be brave, keep your watch from above.
Hold my dear one so safe in your heart and your hand
bring him home to his family.. this hero.. my man.
Of us, Lord, I pray he'll be filled with such pride...
of how we carried on without him by our side.
Please, help time fly quickly ans soon I will hold...
the hand of them man whose eyes chase the cold.
Whose voice brings delight, whose touch eases pain.
How will I ever say "Farewell" again?
With your help,dear God, I'll try to stay strong...
and pray that his tie here at home will be long.
Still, "I know that the navy will need him," I sigh
but we'll face it together, Dear Lord, you and I

I love a Navy Seabee

Finally found some words

I spent the last two months writing Jason every day because he was in Boot Camp for the Untied States Navy. I think the last months I have gone through every emotion I have between saying good bye to him and watching him get on a bus, to seeing him for the first time after he had his training. I have had difficulty actually putting my feelings about this whole “Navy girlfriend” thing. I’m proud, happy, intimidated, and ecstatic all at the same time.
Jason looks immaculate. He gained some weight and it is all muscle, and he has this fantastic tone about him. The military really does wonders on our boys. They come out better men than they already were when they went in. My favorite uniform of his are his summer whites. He has a lot of different uniforms. I am proud of him and sad that I cannot have him here with me at the same time. People were stopping him in the middle of the streets in Chicago just to shake his had and thank him for serving. It was amazing. He has come such a long way and grown so much. I even feel a little intimidated by him… feeling a little bit like he might be in such a great place right now that he might not want boring old Jessica anymore. I do know better though. I get to talk to him on the phone a lot now and he tells me he loves me every night. He is currently in Wichita Falls, Texas on an Air Force base awaiting apprentice training for the construction battalion (Seabees). He will be there until January and then he gets to come home for a little bit before his potential deployment to the Middle East.
Jason says he does his morning training with the Marines that are on the base with them. Seabees are hybrids he says; Half Navy Half Marines and not quite sailors but are at the same time. He also likes to make fun of the Air Force these days and I yell at him every time. I say you can’t make fun of the Air Force! My Grandpa was a Flying Officer and I have an uncle and a good friend in the Air force!! He laughs and says Navy has all the planes. I will get him to stop though. He still loves to get a rise out of me; Teasing me about going out on the town and finding cute girls because his uniform will attract them. I say no baby! You’re mean!! Its Okay. I know He wants me and only me! That Girl in every port is not true!!! I hear that all the time now from his teasing friends!
I miss him so much! I Cannot wait to be in his arms again!

How I met my Sailor

Still trying to relate to this Navy Boyfriend thing and it been over a month, I've had some help from some good friends, but their guys are all in other military branches. Sarah's been a tremendous help considering her man is in training too but for the army, I've begun to search discussion boards and groups on Facebook and other sites. I came across one I found particularly inviting; "Navy Girlfriends" and Joined it. Their one group Post was titled "How I met my Sailor" and not being able to resist because it is sooooo soon till I get to see him and possibly meet him for the first time again... The writer and me exploded.

"How I Met My Sailor"

"My sailor, (due to graduate Recruit Training Command) Jason, and I met twice.
The first time we met I was far too shy to talk to him. I was at his house for his sister Jenna's party, they used to combine parties and throw pretty crazy ones at that. I remember Jenna saying "that's my brother Jason.", and me saying "wow, he's hot, I wish I was single." Because I was with Johnny, my boyfriend at the time, I didn't dare go near Jay. Johnny and I had crashed at the house being there was a drink and there is no way your driving policy at the house. When I was on the deck that next morning Jason spoke to me and I thought I would die. He was sitting on a cooler and he said "there are some beers in that cooler water over there."is there coffee?" I inquired, he pointed to the house and after a clumsy "thank you!" and and smile, I again ran away from him. That weekend quickly meshed with the other weekends of that year and it was soon one of those memories that where forgotten. Jenna and I hadn't seen each other for years because that party was for our mutual friend Stacy whom went off to college. Stacy and I also grew apart after that summer. Until one day I was working at a restaurant in Morristown and I came to greet a table. There was Jenna and Jason sitting there. Again I said “wow that guy is hot”, but this time thinking he was Jenna's boyfriend, so he was off limits. Jenna said, "Do you remember my brother Jason?" and introduced us once again. We shook hands, Locked eyes (and he has the most amazingly blue ones at that) he aggressively flirted with me, I flirted back, He called me gorgeous, I couldn't resist him, we exchanged phone numbers, I was floating on Cloud 9, and it was all History from there. It’s been a tumbling road since then, but I still can not resist his Blue eyes."

I can not wait to see him in Uniform!! I can not wait to kiss him again!! I can not wait to hear his voice again!! I can not wait! I can not wait!!!