July Good and Bad

Why does July suck?
It has not always been the case, but for the last 3 years its been the worst month of the year. I look forward to July 4th, Our Nation's very important Birthday, and Independence Day! but that is about it...

July has given and taken from me very important people in my life;
Grandpa's Birthday, July 7th taken July 17
Jayson Conrad's Birthday July 21st taken the same day
J left for the Navy July 11th this is the second July I have been waiting for him

3 years of Julys I cannot wait to be over.
It seems that July brings sleepless nights for me, and this has been years and years happens all the time. but I think its just the season change and the long days that confuse my internal clock.

Good things do happen in July, I met J in July of 2004 and that was a wonderful summer.
J's birthday is July 25th

And His joining the Navy last July has been a wonderful thing. I have never been so proud and honored to know him. I have always loved him more than the world, but The Navy has molded him into a fantastic person. giving him pride and honor for himself.



This July has given my Cousin Jessie a beautiful Baby girl, July 10th 2009 Sophia was born, bringing a sense of hope to the family as this family has had a long and grueling year because our grandmother was ill.



Thanks to many prayers and wonderful family support, Grandma Maryann has been feeling much better and much more well. Well enough to make it to Jessie's baby shower and actually was on her way with Jessie's mother, Debbie to visit and had to turn around and go to the hospital for Sophia's birth.

Jessie's fiance Mike's birthday is July 11th.








My brother Kenny has had lots of bad luck this month and I am praying that he gets out of it and finds his way.

This past weekend Grandpa John and Grandma Maryann's roof was in the process of being repaired. Another good thing to come from July.

In closing, July is one crazy month and I cannot wait until it is over, But it has molded mine and others' characters. with out trials we would have no better days to look forward to. and without trials would have no tributes to work hard for.

Happy one year Navy Anniversary

July 11th 2008

J entered the Great Lakes Naval Recruit Training Command.

2 months of Boot camp Great lakes, IL
(he sent me 6 letters)

3 day visit to Great Lakes to see J's RTC graduation
and enjoy his company for his Liberty Weekend

5 months of A school Wichita falls, TX
(one Christmas card from him)

2 weeks of Leave in New Jersey in January 2009

2 months of combat training for J and his unit in MS

2 long weekend trips to visit J on base in Ms

120 days of waiting his return for his first deployment
(37 days left after today)

365 days, 52 weeks, 12 months, 8,781 hours, 526,899 minutes, 31,613,985 seconds
Of pride, tears, honor, love, waiting

All worth every second, every tear, every long day, phone call, text message!

Now you better get your butt home safe soon!
Congratulations Baby! Its been a long year!

Thursday 6/19/2008

That was the Thursday that we through tears said goodbye before J left for RTC. I think that it may have been the hardest day of my life so far. yes I got him back for another month... but when I pulled out of his driveway I couldn't even get to the end of the street without hysterically crying. The CD Got caught on repeat of Roll On By kid Rock and i didn't know how to turn it off. J called it fate. I still have those text messages from that day. I couldn't save all of them, but i saved alot... and I go back and look at them over and over and they make me smile, and sometimes cry. Mainly They make me so proud of him and make me think that this year even though its been so tough has been so worth every moment of waiting because J means the world to me!! I love you so much!!

come home to me soon Baby!!
I'm here waiting for you with all my Love

58 days to go!

Missing someone gets easier every day because even though it's one day further from the last time you saw each other, it's one day closer to the next time you will. ~Author Unknown

So I guess I just double guessed J. This deployment stuff sucks. I always double guess and get all out of sorts for no reason. It is typical to feel this way. Luckily I have J's facebook password and I took that silly plead for attention letter away before he read it. I do this to myself all the time, but the fact of the matter is he loves me and that will not change. Pushing him now will only push him away from me and that is not my goal. I just have to wait until he comes home.

My "operation damned if I do" was silly. I can't ignore his calls... I did not answer the first call but it gave me a panic attack and he called right back and I answered.
I told him that the inn let me go, and he wasn't happy about that, but he said it was ok. I pleaded he not look down on me for it because it was not my fault. that was ok. I feel much better getting that off my chest.

I can't stand my constant PMS over this lol!! I'm such a drama queen sometimes.



All that matters is I WILL be down in Miss when he comes home. I told him I wanted to be there to hug and kiss him when he gets off that bus!

Operation Damned if I do, Damned if I don't

God I wonder if I really am cut out for this... But I know I am... Just need the push...


I know this may sound like a silly question but it drives me crazy. J has Facebook. I bugged him to open an account because it would be easier to keep in touch with me and all his friends especially because he's deployed right now. But this is the silly thing that drives me crazy... He doesn't respond to me, any of my messages, wall posts, nothing But he talks to everyone else. why does he do this... is he testing me to see how far I will take it until I burst? or is it not a game at all...

I've mentioned that I never know if he gets me emails because he never responds, I've written him letters, He hasn't responded and even though He doesn't spend alot of time on the Internet (he's not the type) He responds to just about everyone else that messages him. Don't get me wrong I get a phone call every couple of days which half his friends don't get that so I am thankful, but I've told him it would help me feel better about waiting for him if I had something physical. and he'll just ask for more packages...

Why does he do this... is he trying to push me away or does he just want to keep his feelings away from me so he doesn't hurt from the separation?

Deployment bites. I feel like I'm damned if i do and damned if I don't. I have to face mentioning it to him if it bothers me too much, but I feel like I'm being stupid.

♥ Letter to J:

against my better judgment I'm going to flat out ask you why you never respond to me I love your phone calls Baby, but I would also love to have a little more positive attention. Like a "ya I'm having a good day" or a "I can't wait to see you either" or an "I love you" or something positive! only one time you responded to anything on this facebook or email was that stupid negative post on the picture of vodka which hurt my feelings.

I need to hear you need me, want me, and love me. sappy or not it would make it so much easier for me.
I'm not trying to be a pest. I'm here for you 100 percent of the way. Just give me something to hang on to please?

I love you J!


I felt so whinny sending this to him, and it just kills me. I really think that he doesn't post on my page because it's easier not to hurt C, just but I have mentioned it before. I'm far too paranoid sometimes... I just need to know what he is thinking. Like he's already saying it would be dumb for me to move to Mississippi when he comes back because he won't be there for long, but he's there for at least another year and a half. So his lack of response on Facebook is killing me... and generally the phone calls are just send me packages... so in my head I'm like WTF I mean are you just using me for packages and then gonna drop me when you get home?


Operation Don't give a Damn....

Tell ya the truth, my heart says hang in there only a couple more months ... but my head says get outta there before he hurts ya Jess...

And once he gets back to the states he WILL pay more attention to me... I dunno..

I can say this when it doesn't come to me... Jay is kinda a weird case to crack always has been... So I've decided to not be so readily available to him and ignore a couple of his phone calls... He seems to get a little weirded out when he thinks I need him "Too much" so i need to get fired up and stand up for myself... then he comes back cause he doesn't wanna lose me.

I hate psychology sometimes. I gotta treat him like a little kid and I get results. Damn military guys!!

Taking on too much in my head part I

With Everything that is going on right now I seem to think I need to do it all... But in the process I get NOTHING done. I just sit here and worry about what is going on unable to get up and do...

J is in Djibouti, All I can do is wait for him to come home... Wait on phone calls and wait for him to propose... The waiting is ok.
Things I can do for him;
Send packages, Mail, Be proud of him and love him.

Grandmom Maryann had Hospice come on Sunday...
Things I can do for Grandmom;
Love her, respect her wishes, be happy that I had the pleasure of a wonderful woman to touch my life and the lives of our family. Send cards and pictures and continue to be updated so I can pass the word to the rest of the family.

Grandpa John is struggling with Grandmom's Cancer. He is scared, and we are all worried about him too. Grandmom Maryann is his wife, his true love, his best friend, and his soul mate. He is an 87 year old, retired WWII special ops army Vet, Fisherman, Loving Grandfather with many stories and a walking family historian. His main concerns these days are how to take Grandmom's illness, Always thinking that he would have gone before Grandmom, and checking up on J because Grandpa does not believe J is going to marry me. Convincing him otherwise seemed to be my main concern pior to Grandmom's heath change these last couple weeks. Grandpop John is a stubbrun man. He gets annoyed that he has to use hearing aides to hear better, and that he is not as limber as he was not 3-4 years ago. He still loves Chopping wood, tending to the docks and boats in his backyard, doing the crossword puzzle, routing for the Philidelphia Phillies and Eagles, and spending lots of prescious time with his ever growing and already huge family.

Sam is nuts but she will do what she will do. She's just a kid.
(sorry if your not happy about my post if you are reading this Sam)

Things I can do for Sam;
Love her, Remind her that she is part of this family too. Stop Questioning her intentions with Romeo. Just try to guide her and remind her that life is what it is. Running away is not the best option and stop worrying about Mississippi. She doesn't care to take an example form me who admits that at this point in my life running gave me nothing to show for except for memories, stories and pictures. She'll learn the hard way. All I can truely say is if someone reminded me that leaving would hurt before I actually went I would have stayed and maned up. Aploigies do not mean defeat, and the family loves unconditionally.

Grandma Marie is in Iowa and getting taken care of very well. I have stopped worrying about her distance and continue to write her and send pictures. Aunt Ginger says she loves my letters and that is the best I can do for her right now until I can visit her in Iowa and Give her hugs in person. Grandma Marie knows how much I love her dearly and I can never stress enough how much I am thankful and grateful for the life she gave me when Grandpa Cal was alive and Grandma and him lived in New Jersey.


My mother has not apoligized for the awful things she said to me and as much as it annoyes me, She never will. I was unable to accept that she says things and then forgets them just as fast as an excuse. She is just as thick headed and stubburn as Her father and I am way more forgiving than she is. She just acts like it never happened and to her the hurtful things will only be brought up again when she is either ill, or defending herself (she will bring up the past 30 years of hurt everytime she gets upset. its just her way and there is nothing to change it. I am thankful to say she is the only one in this family that does this anymore.) I give it up... I am just going to pretend it didn't happen too and move on.
My mother has asked me to be her Maid of Honor for her wedding in June. She is marrying Tony. Tony is a good guy. Maybe the best for her these days. He has made her very happy and will continue because making her happy is something he is very good at! I am thankful that Tony is in my mother's life. Because of her plans for a wedding, Mom has rekindled her friendship with her Brother and his wife (Aunt Frannie and Uncle Chris) or at least is attempting to forgive again without saying she's sorry for the awful things she said to them or the grudges that will again be unearthed when she gets upset with the world again.

Things I can do for Mom;
Let go of the past, let her be happy, Love her, hope she will not unearth every painful moment in her last 30 years once again. Ecept her for who she is. Be happy she is happy. Be thank ful for Tony being in her life.

Here we are at home!

Box #2 headed to my man

I guess I've fallen in love with making my Seabee happy. :-) Course I have always loved doing that. When J was in RTC I wrote him every day. Now that he is on Deployment... He asked I not write him everyday. but in the same breath said "Where's my package??"

Tropical Skittles (J's favorite)
Peach Rings
Gummy Worms
A Deck of Playing Cards
a couple items I did not send in the first package, and honestly, His favorites...
aside from the Gummy Worms... They're resends.. J said he finished the gummy worms as soon as he opened the package... I had to send him more.

His Second box was inspired by one of our last conversations. J had a late watch and he said he read through an entire National Geographic. Now National Geographic has been a fantastic magazine for years, but it is not really a favorite reading material of a guy like J. He likes man things, islands, girls (but only to look at), Music, and Movies. So I decided to send him some fun reading material;

Island Magazine
Maxim
Rolling Stone
Esquire

I don't know much about Esquire, Clint Eastwood on the cover made me think that J would be interested. I told him I got him "some men's magazine" He was like "a what?" Tell ya the truth, these will all probably bore him, but who knows. The Island Magazine will make him jealous he isn't home... or on some beach somewhere. Maxim is a cool magazine... but really? J is a pain in the butt... He doesn't care about celebrities and what they are doing unless they are in a great movie, or singing a song he wants to listen to. Not really interested in making himself look more handsome (cause he's hot just the way he is), doesn't care about the newest trends and really has only had a Facebook page for a couple months cause I talked him into it.

Tucker Max's "I hope They Serve Beer in Hell"
Is a book he's going to love.

In fact I fell in love with it already myself, and wanted very much to finish it BEFORE I sent it off to J.
This man is hilarious. I found myself laughing to myself in the middle of rooms full of people while reading this book. In fact I was so engulfed in the first chapter, that much to my friend's dismay... I did not want to partake in the Power Hour session accruing at C's place. Only few books keep my attention. I would much rather write to tell you the truth. I know a handful of guys that are rude and lewd like him... and these guys happen to be friends of mine. I was laughing so hard I almost cried picturing the shenanigans of his and his friends in Chapter 2, The Night we Almost died. J'll be done with this book in no time, and asking me for another after that.

Due to my Grandmother's health and a little Omen (a book she owns fell on the floor next to my luggage suitcase in the back room I sleep in when I'm there called "The Camel Knows the Way" Grandmom said I should read it and I had to send J Tucker Max's book right away because it was highly distracting.

Oh yes and the Cracker Jacks:

merely because of Sailor Jack. For he may not be on a boat, but a Navy man he is. I can hear it now:

"I'm not a Sailor!!"

I love you Baby Come home soon!!

First Deployment Package

Just some stuff to remind J of home.

Lemon slices, Mint Lifesavers, Assorted Flavored Lifesavers, pack of gum, Gummy worms, Orange slices, Twizzlers, Country time Lemonade, and Tropical Starbursts

2 small boxes of liquid gel Advil, Aloe, Kleenex, Giant Tub of Tums Smoothies, Blistex

I love New Jersey Stickers (one says "JERZ" on it),

a Stuffed Snake to remind him of our baby Scar

(who REALY is not a baby. SHE's Huge now)

2 tee shirts; 1 from the American Legion and 1 from the Garden State Parkway that says NEW JERSEY on it.

a whole bunch of cards with notes by a bunch of friends

craziness!!!
finally packed tight and sent with love from New Jersey

Another Fun thing to do when you're at Wal-Mart getting a whole lot of fun stuff to send to your deployed boyfriend:

Get a cute blouse and purse for $16.

All and all, this was a blast and the best part is thinking of his smile when he opens this box and how maybe I will be the opposite of "the worst girlfriend ever!" as he called me last week when I told him I had only sent letters in the mail. He was like a little kid; the one who doesn't want clothes for Christmas. He'd rather a package than letters. I have to laugh.

I love you Baby!! Come home soon!!
"getcha flippin kinda trippy like a Mississippi hippie"
<3,
Jessica Lynn

What's Worse?

Dunno what's worse... Missed calls or interrupted calls...

I was literally on the line with J a couple minutes ago and the call was completely interrupted... "Baby?!" I questioned with concern...
wondering what that strange noise was... then I thought About it a couple seconds.
"Baby? Hello?" Then the line hung up.

I don't know what's worse!!! Now I'm thinking the interrupted line could be millions of things... but if it was something simple why didn't J just call me back... He knows I'll freak...
I'll just have to tell myself everything is going to be alright and I'll hear his voice in no time. sooner than later I hope.

defending my relationship

It seems that the last couple of weeks (which half of them J has spent in the desert) I have found myself defending my relationship with J to my family. Not all of them of course, but a couple big ones.

Mom being one of them. I have not technically been defending against my mother because Mother and I have not been speaking for the last month for things she had to say about J and other awful things she said to me in while I was Restless in Pennsy. I think she owes me an apology and she thinks she'll be able to give me one when he "proves her wrong".

Back to defending my relationship;

The other BIG that I find myself defending my relationship to is Grandpop. *sigh* which I hate... Because it is so hard to disagree with a man that has influenced me so much and has been a shining star in my life. His words are to be listened to, yet for the first time I have to talk back to him.

for two reasons I think;

1. Cousin S is dating ATL now and for some reason because the family doesn't understand how they could be "in love" after knowing one another for a couple days, the family is putting both S and I in the same boat.

ATL is deployed with J and ATL and S talk all the time. They seem quite diehard for one another for knowing each other for only days... but it is a VERY young relationship.

It is not a relationship like J and mine and should not be treated as such.

J moving me down to Mississippi when he returns from deployment is realistic to us. J and I aside for a year apart (which shouldn't count as less) to our almost 5 years of dating, loving, arguing, and crying. Hell we even lived together for a year and a half of our 5 years togehter.

I've already waited for 2 months of 5 letters and 1 phone call of Naval Recruit Training Command ( Navy Boot camp) 5 months of (Apprentice) A School (He called me almost every night) , and 2 weeks of restrictment with only 2 phone calls over Christmas and New Years. 7 months of waiting to be in his arms again.

Shoot! I can make it through 6 months of deployment after all that. There is only 4 months and 3 weeks until his return.

REGARDLESS,

none of this Mississippi living banter is unrealistic for J and I.

2. J did not propose to me when he was home on leave

J is not to be at fault for this. Why is it written in stone J must propose to Jess RIGHT NOW?
The family thinks he's nuts for not doing so because of the exra money he would have gotten paid for him and I upon his return. Does my family NOT understand that I DON'T CARE about his money.
J did not propose to my because he didn't want to leave me here waiting for his return on the chance that he didn't come back. J is not a 18 year old kid that joined the military fresh out of highschool. He has the normal fears of a 28 year old man and leaving me behind as his girlfriend scares him enough.


I am so tired of defending my relationship to my family. I love everyone very much but I do not need to defend my boyfriend to my family anymore. it's not fair. have me defend him in 6 months when I can call him up and cry about things or just get a hug when he comes home from work... not when he is 7000 miles away, in a 7 hour time difference, and can only call me on an international phone card.

I Hope The Camel Spiders Eat him!!!

Well I got my first cranky phone call from the desert!!
Grrr to you too Baby!!!

My Friend K, who's fiance J is National Guard and he is fighting out in Iraq as we speck,
got me this book when I got back from my trip to Mississippi. ;

Thank you K!!! Great Book!!!


I've been reading this book a little here and a little there...

Some of it I just knew... because well I know my Psychology and I know How men in general are.... like the "I'd rather be mad than hurt game" it explains in it Pre-departure to deployment. That is exactly why J was being a big jerk in "Emotions run high in Southern Miss"


says that after departure day you become resentful of your military loved one for leaving you to fend for yourself...
I'm not a Self Help Book kinda girl but it is kinda dead on...
I'm kinda hating him and wishing the Camel Spiders get him tomorrow
(even though if they did I would be really sad)

Ewwww!!!!
and REALLY I would never ever want this thing on my boyfriend!!!
No matter how cranky he is.

So if the Camel Spiders decide you and ATL aren't tasty enough J (which they darn well better)... Than I can't wait to hear your voice again because I miss you and I miss your voice!!

ALT on Camel Spiders! : yeah but they're a foot in diameter, kinda hard to miss


So I just learned Camel Spiders are as big as a thumb... that IS big... but not big enough to eat a couple Seabees ... So I guess J and ATL are safe. darn it!!! And also I did read up on the Camel Spiders...

Some common Camel Spider Myths:

1. Camel spiders can move at speeds over 30 MPH, screaming while they run.
2. Camel spiders can be as large as a frisbee.
3. Camel spiders venom is an anesthetic that numbs their prey.
4. Camel spiders can jump three feet high.
5. Camel spiders get their name because they eat the stomachs of camels.
6. They eat or gnaw on people while they sleep. Due to the numbing effect of their venom, the victim is unaware until they awake.

And my final add on today...

Although this book seems cool enough, I think I will read it IF and WHEN I am a military spouse... Until then... maybe My CNG deployment Buddy Jillian and I will write our own Book.

"dating a military man" "the Girlfriend's point of veiw"

Noodle Spoiling My Children??

J and I talked about plans for Gulfport living last night. He said he needs me to find something solid work wise. He doesn't mind that I may want to be in the restaurant business but he doesn't think that I should keep that job if I move down with him to Mississippi. He thinks that it is OK for Jersey, but he says he's seen guys at the bar down there hang out for hours and leave quarters for a tip upon departure. I assured him I can find something, but I want to stay in the business for a while. It is easier to get a job in it. I also assured him that if I want I can pursue Insurance still. I have a year to test with the Property and Casualty and if I pass within the year I can be licenced and go back into insurance. My only issue with that though is transferring in not that easy. If I am licenced in NJ than I would also have to go through Courses in Miss.

I don't wanna come back from saving the world and have to save the world back home too!! you gotta get your stuff together girl if this move to Mississippi is to run smoothly!
I can't believe I'm talking about This Marriage thing!! Its just not me!! Says J
You could tell what kind of goofy grin was on his lips while he said that.

I asked him a pretty serious question last night. I had actually thought it might have freaked him out, but he said he was fine so I just spit it out. I wanna be a house wife I said... I want to stay home and take care of my kids. I do not look down on families that have their kids in daycare, because that is how they survive and I myself have worked for daycare... I just personally want to stay home with my own. I would have them in part time to learn to be around other children other than their siblings, but other than that I don't wanna miss a step or a beat with my children!! surprisingly he agreed with that, he doesn't want a stranger taking care of his children, he'd rather me do it. I said with your profession, having family there to watch over them would be hard and he said he understood and that he could imagine Uncle Noodle (one of the kids in his unit) watching the kids and bringing them to get ice cream while J and I went out for dinner somewhere and telling them not to tell Daddy he was spoiling them but getting caught with sprinkles on his lips when we got back form our night out. We laughed about it and at the same time felt kinda overwhelmed at the thought that our lives maybe the typical family living one day. a little house with a couple kids, breakfast in the morning, bed time stories at night. WoW!! I was however BEAMING over the conversation. I couldn't wipe the goofy smile off my face after J and I hung up form our 3 hour conversation.

"What did you guys talk about?!" C inquired more than once.
"You'll see in September" I laughed
You guys are going to get married! I know it! C insisted.

Not Goodbye, it's See you in September!!

I was talking to my friend Rick. He's Army and in Fort Bragg, But he has been my rock dealing with this Military relationship stuff. If I have questions I ask him. He doesn't know alot about Navy but he still makes me feel better.
"Jess are you about to have a melt down?! Do I need to call someone??!" He said with a half laugh and more concern.
"No. I'm ok. I'm still down on the Seabee Base right now so I can get my head up fast."
He told me He'll be without his phone for 18 days. If I need to talk call his wife. I promised I would.

One down. We said our "See you in September" to ATL 20 minutes ago. He's headed to the airport to attach with his unit in Kuwait J and Noodle meet them tomorrow. From there they all go their separate ways.

I have to admit that these guys have a very big spot in my heart now! The couple of weekends S and I have spent with them we've all become a little tight knit family. It hasn't even phased me when I was laying in bed soon and they all gathered in mine and J's room to get over to muster. I didn't freak. It was perfectly fine them seeing me half way asleep cuddled up in bed with my hair a mess. I just heard Noodle say "Aw man! I'm so Jealous!" and went back to sleep.



There's battle gear all over the place in our room. Woodland and Coyote camo, jungle and Desert packs. I don't even know where to start to get my stuff outta here. I moved into the hotel. I would stay here forever if it meant I felt close to J. I'm in cadence and camo heaven right now... course soon enough I would have my little realization that J isn't here with me and I'll be sad again.

I'll wait for you Baby!! I promise you I will!!

J got held back because of dentle. He's actually at the dentist right now for the 3rd time in the last 3 days. J was supposed to leave with ATL today. I get a little extra time with him now, but he's gonna be a little cranky when he gets back and then S and I hit the road shortly after. I would do anything to just stay here with him.

My God I can't wait until September!!!

Dear God Keep Him safe.
Be with him and the boys these months ahead!!
Hold my hand through my sleepless nights
and tears I may cry. I promise
I will be as strong as I can but I need a hand!!
I'll send letters and take lots of pictures
spend lots of time watching for him in the sky
and in the summer stars
And when those leaves start to change
Please swiftly bring him back to me!!

Emotions Run High in Southren Miss

I really need some reassurance today. I know I'm not the only one... but it feels like I am. J and I have had some really serious fun and a bunch of alone time these last couple of days!! He is freaking out a little though. Feeling smothered by me because he is used to being alone. He did a 180 yesterday after his friend left the hotel room. J turned into this cold unemotional say anything to make me unhappy jerk. the bed in this hotel room is tiny and he wouldn't even cuddle with me. I freaked out. My tears don't always make him snap out of his anger... more times than not he gets colder, I think because he assumes I am crying to make him personally feel bad and not because it is just a normal reaction for an over stressed and sad girl.

I've noticed he has gotten this way more times closer to when he has to let me go and maybe he does it because it is easier for him to shut down his emotions so he can feel better. He did it the day before he left for Boot camp, was a jerk to me the day he left, got cold for a short time the day before his family and I were about to leave him after his graduation form RTC and a couple times while he was on leave. this leaving me wondering WTF am I waiting for him....??? but then its over like it never happened...

I cannot make too many excuses for him but I do understand it is because he is scared... but How do I counter act him when his deployment is coming sooooo close. generally I can slow down the reaction by asking him to please consider my feelings and reminding him that it may be extremely hard for him to leave... but I also have a lot to handle with him leaving too... and that I just want to have a good note instead of a bad taste when waiting for him... because it is the only thing I know how to do. I told him, if I lost him I would lose my home... because that is what he is... the say all end all, my heart and my soul belong to him alone. I plead please be gentle.

I may sound crazy here but crazy is how I feel sometimes. If anyone has a similar story or any ideas how I can try to break this so we can have a good last night together please help!!

"With your help,Dear God, I'll try to stay strong...

and pray that his tie here at home will be long.

Still, "I know that the Navy will need him," I sigh

but we'll face it together, Dear Lord, you and I"

I should have time to check it, but if anything it may help me even tomorrow or the next days to come when we have to say our I'll see you in September!

Trip Log

March 1, 2009 12:35 mileage @ start 174364
little under half tank of gas.
Leave Madison Elks Parking lot on route for Gulfport MS

stop 1: 30miles in @ Lebanon, NJ
$14 to fill the tank and hit the road

mile 17 on 78west a police officer pulls me over for "driving too slow"
"You're lost I'm guessing" he asks along with my License, registration, and Insurance.
We told him we're headed to Mississippi and he let us go.

Around 1:3o am Pennsylvania Welcomed us. Sammie was sleeping.
the sign actually said "welcome to ylvania" it was chopped off for some reason



2nd stop in blinding snow storm Shippensburg, PA 194 miles into the trip.
$10 of gas @ $1.89/gallon
spoke with an Army Guy on his way to Fort Benning for training.
"Keep your head up and your eyes low!" was his message for the boys!

4:38 am Maryland Welcomes us.
not as much snow thank God!!

4:49 am West Virgina Welcomes us

5:13 am Virgina Welcomes us

5:48 am S takes the Wheel.

7am Sheetz stop in Staunton, VA with 368 milage
$10 of gas @ $1.75 a gallon

8:36 am GoMart Salem, VA
initial stop for food... but we filled the tank too
$3.90 worth @ $1.69 per Ga

S is starting to Get Sassy!!
I didn't like her attitude!! lol

11:04 am 602 miles into the trip.
S wanted to look at a map but I said no.
A giant Guitar flippin sweet!
Lets see how long it takes for J to get us lost. Kidding!!
74 miles to Alabama??
Who knows!
We met someone for NJ at the rest stop. Her husband was an aviator in the Navy for 28 years!!
J is a crazy bitch S is J's little girl (She thought she won something there)



11:52am Greenville, Tennessee birthplace of Davey Crockett
Gas stop. 642 miles in

3:15 pm We made it to Georgia.
Sign Read "We're glad you're thinking of us"
Daffodils. tulips, and Killer Tracker Trails welcome us as well!
Along with Blue Skies and Poofy clouds!!!!



2:55 pm Central 888 miles into the trip
"Alabama the beautiful" and the central time zone welcome us
it looks like spring down here!!

S needs to learn how to drive with her knee.
& she is evil because she's making fun of me for being jumpy but I'm tired!!!
It snowed in "Bring em ham"!

5:50 pm stop for gas, oil, and coffee in Prattvillie, Alabama
mileage 1088
I got coffee and the man at the counter said it was free.
"Why?" I inquired.
"because you're in the Navy."
He teased. "I'm not in the Navy my boyfriend is." I giggled.
"We just give the coffee out." he said with a friendly smile.

8:43 pm Mississippi welcomes us @ 1277miles

I Lied

March 1st 2009, 9:02 pm Central Time
Mississippi Welcomes Us!!
Sign reads "Its like Coming home"
1299 miles and 22 hours later we finally made it!

ReGrouping In Southern Jersey

I'm still a mess. I wish I could say I was not... but I am. I decided I would make my home base My Grandparent's place in LEH, NJ. I always find my way home when I come down here. In fact, before I could even drive and barely even ride a bike... I remembered my way to Grandpa's house. It is my favorite place on the face of the planet not only because I can be near my favorite people, but because I can sit outside, smell the salt in the air and listen.... it is so quiet down here that you can hear someone cough on the other side of the lagoon.



Grandpa and Grandma have very open minds and want to hear exactly what is on your mind. As anyone, if they don't agree they will tell you. But for people of their generations there is no gap between our minds. Grandma wants us to go to church more and find our faith, Grandpa wants us to succeed in life... but they both understand that we are free spirited and they encourage us to grow and be honest with them no matter what the issue. Sometimes they are grandparents but the best part about grandparents is that they don't have to act their age and they are really just big kids that have a crazy amount of wisdom and maybe a few wrinkles from having way too much fun in their lives.

S and I aren't the same since our trip to Gulfport.



She came back with a Seabee of her own that is in J's unit. ATL ,as I nicknamed him because I couldn't get any of the kids' names right in New Orleans, is a Crazy SOB with a big heart, short attention span, easily annoyed, trusting of only some people... and totally head over heals for S. I was also calling him "mini-me (J)" the last lap of our trip. "He's not like me" J would Grumble. "oh ya? You weren't like him at 20?" I'd giggle. Funny thing is I can only guess what J was like at 20. I didn't meet him until he was 24 but he's told me lots of stories. So I never called ATL "Mini-me" in Atl's presence though. I didn't want him to assume that he was cool like J or anything ;-)

Point of my ramblings I think though, is because I had such an amazing time out there with him and all his friends reality is very painful now. Nothing feels right being away from him. I don't like feeling this way. It hurts. It hurts in my heart, in my Tummy, in my Eyes... In my head. I feel as if I am whining and complaining and should be stronger and get back to my life! but it sucks. Today is just a bad day right now. I know as soon as I get him on the phone and hear his voice it could be the difference between a smile and tears.





My main concern I think is that J is about to get deployed and I hate it. I have gone through almost every single emotion I think I have these past couple of days. I'm trying to figure out which friends will actually support me and just be there for me when and if I cry. I'm afraid I scared them away when he left for RTC. Now I have 6 months to cry alone and toughen up by myself. I am very frightened about that.



I have this blog which helped me through boot camp... but I don't wanna be the girl who complains that her boyfriend is far away. Tomorrow is another day and my best bet I know is prayers and faith. Less time to think by finding a job and lots of letters and care packages, My CNGs on facebook, thinking to myself that 6 months is NOTHING compared to some of my friends deployments in other branches of the military. I know I can do this with a little faith.

Sleepless in PA, Dreaming about Mississippi

Last week one of J and my friends C made last minute plans to go to visit J is Mississippi. I'll tell ya I am pretty broke, but Spending my last couple hundred to see him one more time (maybe the last before he deploys) would be completely fine to me. I am spontaneous like that I guess... But C is not... At all.
So when J called me up last night freaking out about these plans
"I better find out if this is actually happening" "blah blah"

Me: Love you Baby!

And C gave him the go I decided WoW! this is REALLY happening...

I Can't just assume that anything is ACTUALLY going to happen in my life... I tend to get let down when I rely on other people. so I try not to get to excited about things...

THIS TIME was no exclusion... sadly enough.
C bailed on me around 7:30 ... Said she can't do it because she has a project she has to finish. Re Do actually.

J was excited too... SO now both of us are let down.

so I got 2 issues with doing this by myself:
My Car (I love her but she is not reliable enough to take her cross country)
Me... alone on a drive cross the USA... 20 hours.

Shoot I could try to go it slow... Stop in the Carolinas over night and visit friends and then go from there....
But on a little less than $300 that I have right now it might not work...

Who knows... maybe I'll get a miracle. Maybe Grandma will let me borrow her car.
So Here I am with my restless heart and my Wide Awake Dream of Seeing Gulfport With my Seabee!!

Fuel For Months

A hug like this could keep me going for another year!! Come home safe Baby!!