So I guess I just double guessed J. This deployment stuff sucks. I always double guess and get all out of sorts for no reason. It is typical to feel this way. Luckily I have J's facebook password and I took that silly plead for attention letter away before he read it. I do this to myself all the time, but the fact of the matter is he loves me and that will not change. Pushing him now will only push him away from me and that is not my goal. I just have to wait until he comes home.

My "operation damned if I do" was silly. I can't ignore his calls... I did not answer the first call but it gave me a panic attack and he called right back and I answered.
I told him that the inn let me go, and he wasn't happy about that, but he said it was ok. I pleaded he not look down on me for it because it was not my fault. that was ok. I feel much better getting that off my chest.

I can't stand my constant PMS over this lol!! I'm such a drama queen sometimes.



All that matters is I WILL be down in Miss when he comes home. I told him I wanted to be there to hug and kiss him when he gets off that bus!

Operation Damned if I do, Damned if I don't

God I wonder if I really am cut out for this... But I know I am... Just need the push...


I know this may sound like a silly question but it drives me crazy. J has Facebook. I bugged him to open an account because it would be easier to keep in touch with me and all his friends especially because he's deployed right now. But this is the silly thing that drives me crazy... He doesn't respond to me, any of my messages, wall posts, nothing But he talks to everyone else. why does he do this... is he testing me to see how far I will take it until I burst? or is it not a game at all...

I've mentioned that I never know if he gets me emails because he never responds, I've written him letters, He hasn't responded and even though He doesn't spend alot of time on the Internet (he's not the type) He responds to just about everyone else that messages him. Don't get me wrong I get a phone call every couple of days which half his friends don't get that so I am thankful, but I've told him it would help me feel better about waiting for him if I had something physical. and he'll just ask for more packages...

Why does he do this... is he trying to push me away or does he just want to keep his feelings away from me so he doesn't hurt from the separation?

Deployment bites. I feel like I'm damned if i do and damned if I don't. I have to face mentioning it to him if it bothers me too much, but I feel like I'm being stupid.

♥ Letter to J:

against my better judgment I'm going to flat out ask you why you never respond to me I love your phone calls Baby, but I would also love to have a little more positive attention. Like a "ya I'm having a good day" or a "I can't wait to see you either" or an "I love you" or something positive! only one time you responded to anything on this facebook or email was that stupid negative post on the picture of vodka which hurt my feelings.

I need to hear you need me, want me, and love me. sappy or not it would make it so much easier for me.
I'm not trying to be a pest. I'm here for you 100 percent of the way. Just give me something to hang on to please?

I love you J!


I felt so whinny sending this to him, and it just kills me. I really think that he doesn't post on my page because it's easier not to hurt C, just but I have mentioned it before. I'm far too paranoid sometimes... I just need to know what he is thinking. Like he's already saying it would be dumb for me to move to Mississippi when he comes back because he won't be there for long, but he's there for at least another year and a half. So his lack of response on Facebook is killing me... and generally the phone calls are just send me packages... so in my head I'm like WTF I mean are you just using me for packages and then gonna drop me when you get home?


Operation Don't give a Damn....

Tell ya the truth, my heart says hang in there only a couple more months ... but my head says get outta there before he hurts ya Jess...

And once he gets back to the states he WILL pay more attention to me... I dunno..

I can say this when it doesn't come to me... Jay is kinda a weird case to crack always has been... So I've decided to not be so readily available to him and ignore a couple of his phone calls... He seems to get a little weirded out when he thinks I need him "Too much" so i need to get fired up and stand up for myself... then he comes back cause he doesn't wanna lose me.

I hate psychology sometimes. I gotta treat him like a little kid and I get results. Damn military guys!!

In time of test, family is best.

I have a block at the bottom of my Blog that gives a daily quote. The quotes sometimes seem to act a daily horoscope for me... Today's is one of them:

In time of test, family is best.
~ Burmese Proverb

Love how life works sometimes....
and I adore that my family is so wonderful! thank you!

Prayers go up and blessings come down
~Yiddish Proverb

I think I love Proverbs now!

Family Fun and Picnik

Taking on too much in my head part I

With Everything that is going on right now I seem to think I need to do it all... But in the process I get NOTHING done. I just sit here and worry about what is going on unable to get up and do...

J is in Djibouti, All I can do is wait for him to come home... Wait on phone calls and wait for him to propose... The waiting is ok.
Things I can do for him;
Send packages, Mail, Be proud of him and love him.

Grandmom Maryann had Hospice come on Sunday...
Things I can do for Grandmom;
Love her, respect her wishes, be happy that I had the pleasure of a wonderful woman to touch my life and the lives of our family. Send cards and pictures and continue to be updated so I can pass the word to the rest of the family.

Grandpa John is struggling with Grandmom's Cancer. He is scared, and we are all worried about him too. Grandmom Maryann is his wife, his true love, his best friend, and his soul mate. He is an 87 year old, retired WWII special ops army Vet, Fisherman, Loving Grandfather with many stories and a walking family historian. His main concerns these days are how to take Grandmom's illness, Always thinking that he would have gone before Grandmom, and checking up on J because Grandpa does not believe J is going to marry me. Convincing him otherwise seemed to be my main concern pior to Grandmom's heath change these last couple weeks. Grandpop John is a stubbrun man. He gets annoyed that he has to use hearing aides to hear better, and that he is not as limber as he was not 3-4 years ago. He still loves Chopping wood, tending to the docks and boats in his backyard, doing the crossword puzzle, routing for the Philidelphia Phillies and Eagles, and spending lots of prescious time with his ever growing and already huge family.

Sam is nuts but she will do what she will do. She's just a kid.
(sorry if your not happy about my post if you are reading this Sam)

Things I can do for Sam;
Love her, Remind her that she is part of this family too. Stop Questioning her intentions with Romeo. Just try to guide her and remind her that life is what it is. Running away is not the best option and stop worrying about Mississippi. She doesn't care to take an example form me who admits that at this point in my life running gave me nothing to show for except for memories, stories and pictures. She'll learn the hard way. All I can truely say is if someone reminded me that leaving would hurt before I actually went I would have stayed and maned up. Aploigies do not mean defeat, and the family loves unconditionally.

Grandma Marie is in Iowa and getting taken care of very well. I have stopped worrying about her distance and continue to write her and send pictures. Aunt Ginger says she loves my letters and that is the best I can do for her right now until I can visit her in Iowa and Give her hugs in person. Grandma Marie knows how much I love her dearly and I can never stress enough how much I am thankful and grateful for the life she gave me when Grandpa Cal was alive and Grandma and him lived in New Jersey.


My mother has not apoligized for the awful things she said to me and as much as it annoyes me, She never will. I was unable to accept that she says things and then forgets them just as fast as an excuse. She is just as thick headed and stubburn as Her father and I am way more forgiving than she is. She just acts like it never happened and to her the hurtful things will only be brought up again when she is either ill, or defending herself (she will bring up the past 30 years of hurt everytime she gets upset. its just her way and there is nothing to change it. I am thankful to say she is the only one in this family that does this anymore.) I give it up... I am just going to pretend it didn't happen too and move on.
My mother has asked me to be her Maid of Honor for her wedding in June. She is marrying Tony. Tony is a good guy. Maybe the best for her these days. He has made her very happy and will continue because making her happy is something he is very good at! I am thankful that Tony is in my mother's life. Because of her plans for a wedding, Mom has rekindled her friendship with her Brother and his wife (Aunt Frannie and Uncle Chris) or at least is attempting to forgive again without saying she's sorry for the awful things she said to them or the grudges that will again be unearthed when she gets upset with the world again.

Things I can do for Mom;
Let go of the past, let her be happy, Love her, hope she will not unearth every painful moment in her last 30 years once again. Ecept her for who she is. Be happy she is happy. Be thank ful for Tony being in her life.

Here we are at home!

Random Picture Challenge

.July 2004.

or

.7th folder closest year.

.22nd picture.

This is William and Grandpop at Samantha's sweet 16 , March of 2005

Prayers for Grandma in Iowa

Grandma with Her Grandchildren

Mom/Grandma/Marie was hospitalized on Friday May 1 for a bladder infection and dehydration. She was recovering very well and was supposed to go home to Bickford today. Last night she fell trying to get up from bed and bumped her head. She has a small sub-dural hematoma (bleeding). Because Cedar Rapids has no neurology dept. she was transferred (by helicopter!) to University of Iowa Hospital. They are observing her and continuing treatment of the urinary tract infection. She has been pretty confused and has not been eating. Hopefully after a good night's sleep tonight she will have a better appetite tomorrow. I have been here with her since she was admitted early this morning. I will be staying at a motel so I can be here early tomorrow morning.

Sorry for the mass email... I came this morning without my phone charger.

Janet, would you make sure your mom knows, and Ruth Flora & cousin Tuggo?

Thanks very much.

Kenny & Jessica, sorry to hear about your Grandma MaryAnn.,

Love you all,

Ginger.



Mom's condition improved enough by noon today that they discharged her around 4:00pm. She is back home at Bickford Cottage now and happy to be in familiar surroundings.

(I am also very happy to be home.) She will have to be watched closely for the next 6 weeks and then we have an appointment for a CT scan and examination by the neurologist.

Knowing you all were praying helped a lot.

Thanks!!

Love, Ginger

Grandma (We love you Grandma!!) and Grandpa (We miss you Pop Pop)

Box #2 headed to my man

I guess I've fallen in love with making my Seabee happy. :-) Course I have always loved doing that. When J was in RTC I wrote him every day. Now that he is on Deployment... He asked I not write him everyday. but in the same breath said "Where's my package??"

Tropical Skittles (J's favorite)
Peach Rings
Gummy Worms
A Deck of Playing Cards
a couple items I did not send in the first package, and honestly, His favorites...
aside from the Gummy Worms... They're resends.. J said he finished the gummy worms as soon as he opened the package... I had to send him more.

His Second box was inspired by one of our last conversations. J had a late watch and he said he read through an entire National Geographic. Now National Geographic has been a fantastic magazine for years, but it is not really a favorite reading material of a guy like J. He likes man things, islands, girls (but only to look at), Music, and Movies. So I decided to send him some fun reading material;

Island Magazine
Maxim
Rolling Stone
Esquire

I don't know much about Esquire, Clint Eastwood on the cover made me think that J would be interested. I told him I got him "some men's magazine" He was like "a what?" Tell ya the truth, these will all probably bore him, but who knows. The Island Magazine will make him jealous he isn't home... or on some beach somewhere. Maxim is a cool magazine... but really? J is a pain in the butt... He doesn't care about celebrities and what they are doing unless they are in a great movie, or singing a song he wants to listen to. Not really interested in making himself look more handsome (cause he's hot just the way he is), doesn't care about the newest trends and really has only had a Facebook page for a couple months cause I talked him into it.

Tucker Max's "I hope They Serve Beer in Hell"
Is a book he's going to love.

In fact I fell in love with it already myself, and wanted very much to finish it BEFORE I sent it off to J.
This man is hilarious. I found myself laughing to myself in the middle of rooms full of people while reading this book. In fact I was so engulfed in the first chapter, that much to my friend's dismay... I did not want to partake in the Power Hour session accruing at C's place. Only few books keep my attention. I would much rather write to tell you the truth. I know a handful of guys that are rude and lewd like him... and these guys happen to be friends of mine. I was laughing so hard I almost cried picturing the shenanigans of his and his friends in Chapter 2, The Night we Almost died. J'll be done with this book in no time, and asking me for another after that.

Due to my Grandmother's health and a little Omen (a book she owns fell on the floor next to my luggage suitcase in the back room I sleep in when I'm there called "The Camel Knows the Way" Grandmom said I should read it and I had to send J Tucker Max's book right away because it was highly distracting.

Oh yes and the Cracker Jacks:

merely because of Sailor Jack. For he may not be on a boat, but a Navy man he is. I can hear it now:

"I'm not a Sailor!!"

I love you Baby Come home soon!!

Prayers for Grandmom Maryann

My Grandmother, Maryann, is very ill. She was diagnosed with Pancreatic Cancer in June of last year, has since been well, but has also developed Cushings Disease which has been threatening. Thursday she called in the priest for last rights. Friday I found out about it and went to see her. Friday was a very good day for Grandma, But I have never in my life time seen her in need of care, and as weak as she was. She has accepted that she may not be around for another year and she is at peace with this. My grandmother is a fantastic woman. Her faith alone can move mountains… and she has taught us all that being thankful for what we have is better than to wish we had more, to love each other to the fullest, to talk about our fears so they will not be so scary. 2 weeks ago at Easter she was a little week, but still doing everything she loved to do. Today she is becoming better than yesterday and the prayer and medication have helped the swelling go down in her ankles.



Please if anyone can help and say a small prayer for her and our family I would, and my family would greatly appreciate it.



Thank you with all of my heart.

♥ Jessica

Fun with Grandma Beth and the cousins

Monday 4-27-09 was Jeany's 21st birthday!! After work I drove up to PA and picked up a 6 pack of Yuengling, Jeany's Favorite beer, and we had a beer for her 21st!

Tuesday Jeany and I gave Missy, Grandma Beth's Puppy a bath and played in the sun with her for hours!!

"Missy Hippie"

Pleasant Valley High Bears Vers Mountaineers

I stole Sean's Track Jacket cause he says he isn't going to get me a Pleasant Valley High Sweatshirt cause HE doesn't even have one.

So He stole my Sweater. It was tiny on him cause he's so tall!!

Grandma Beth and I had fun at the Meet too!!

Sean broke his Personal Record and cleared 10 feet at the meet!
GO Sean!!
everyone got Pop Tarts for breaking PRs

Sean's so Serious! and TALL!!

I love my Cousin Sean!!

Grandmother Beth and I had a great day together!! We went to the post office, the Bank, the Diner, Sean's Meet, CVS, and ShopRite!!