Taking on too much in my head part I

With Everything that is going on right now I seem to think I need to do it all... But in the process I get NOTHING done. I just sit here and worry about what is going on unable to get up and do...

J is in Djibouti, All I can do is wait for him to come home... Wait on phone calls and wait for him to propose... The waiting is ok.
Things I can do for him;
Send packages, Mail, Be proud of him and love him.

Grandmom Maryann had Hospice come on Sunday...
Things I can do for Grandmom;
Love her, respect her wishes, be happy that I had the pleasure of a wonderful woman to touch my life and the lives of our family. Send cards and pictures and continue to be updated so I can pass the word to the rest of the family.

Grandpa John is struggling with Grandmom's Cancer. He is scared, and we are all worried about him too. Grandmom Maryann is his wife, his true love, his best friend, and his soul mate. He is an 87 year old, retired WWII special ops army Vet, Fisherman, Loving Grandfather with many stories and a walking family historian. His main concerns these days are how to take Grandmom's illness, Always thinking that he would have gone before Grandmom, and checking up on J because Grandpa does not believe J is going to marry me. Convincing him otherwise seemed to be my main concern pior to Grandmom's heath change these last couple weeks. Grandpop John is a stubbrun man. He gets annoyed that he has to use hearing aides to hear better, and that he is not as limber as he was not 3-4 years ago. He still loves Chopping wood, tending to the docks and boats in his backyard, doing the crossword puzzle, routing for the Philidelphia Phillies and Eagles, and spending lots of prescious time with his ever growing and already huge family.

Sam is nuts but she will do what she will do. She's just a kid.
(sorry if your not happy about my post if you are reading this Sam)

Things I can do for Sam;
Love her, Remind her that she is part of this family too. Stop Questioning her intentions with Romeo. Just try to guide her and remind her that life is what it is. Running away is not the best option and stop worrying about Mississippi. She doesn't care to take an example form me who admits that at this point in my life running gave me nothing to show for except for memories, stories and pictures. She'll learn the hard way. All I can truely say is if someone reminded me that leaving would hurt before I actually went I would have stayed and maned up. Aploigies do not mean defeat, and the family loves unconditionally.

Grandma Marie is in Iowa and getting taken care of very well. I have stopped worrying about her distance and continue to write her and send pictures. Aunt Ginger says she loves my letters and that is the best I can do for her right now until I can visit her in Iowa and Give her hugs in person. Grandma Marie knows how much I love her dearly and I can never stress enough how much I am thankful and grateful for the life she gave me when Grandpa Cal was alive and Grandma and him lived in New Jersey.


My mother has not apoligized for the awful things she said to me and as much as it annoyes me, She never will. I was unable to accept that she says things and then forgets them just as fast as an excuse. She is just as thick headed and stubburn as Her father and I am way more forgiving than she is. She just acts like it never happened and to her the hurtful things will only be brought up again when she is either ill, or defending herself (she will bring up the past 30 years of hurt everytime she gets upset. its just her way and there is nothing to change it. I am thankful to say she is the only one in this family that does this anymore.) I give it up... I am just going to pretend it didn't happen too and move on.
My mother has asked me to be her Maid of Honor for her wedding in June. She is marrying Tony. Tony is a good guy. Maybe the best for her these days. He has made her very happy and will continue because making her happy is something he is very good at! I am thankful that Tony is in my mother's life. Because of her plans for a wedding, Mom has rekindled her friendship with her Brother and his wife (Aunt Frannie and Uncle Chris) or at least is attempting to forgive again without saying she's sorry for the awful things she said to them or the grudges that will again be unearthed when she gets upset with the world again.

Things I can do for Mom;
Let go of the past, let her be happy, Love her, hope she will not unearth every painful moment in her last 30 years once again. Ecept her for who she is. Be happy she is happy. Be thank ful for Tony being in her life.