Ever find yourself Twisted? I tend to do that a lot. Twisted between which friend is being weird, or which friend you should just take a break from... Twisted between Loving one boy but missing another. My latest issue is one that's been haunting me for a little while, but hasn't bothered me until I found myself alone. I watch Sex in the City every night at 11pm. I've noticed a particular similarity between my relationships and Carrie's relationships. Her two big loves: Aidan and Mr. Big. and my two big loves; Navy boy and Georgia boy. It's honestly been annoying me for months. Jason and I got back together shortly after Georgia boy broke up with me. It was bound to happen. Ga didn't smoke, didn't go out all the time, couldn't hang with me like I was one of the guys, and for some reason couldn't be social guy like I thought he was when I first met him. I always had J in the back of my mind... he was okay there until I saw him again after months of avoiding every place he had taken me in fears he would be there. The episodes where Carrie cheated on Aidan with Mr. Big taunted me in a big way. I never cheated on Ga, I just thought about it and my mind is a terrible thing when I dwell. I couldn't bare to hurt Georgia and I thought I could some how get J out of my head. I even hid anything in my room that reminded me of J to try to make myself feel as if it wasn't J coming between Ga and I. and then I saw the episode of the ghosts, Miranda thought she had a ghost and Carrie thought that past relationships were ghosts. Mr. Big was no where around to distract Carrie from going after Aidan again, and all of a sudden she started to miss him. well here's my problem... J means the world to me... but I cannot talk to him, see him, touch him... Ga boy and I have the option of constant contact... we don't hang out, but we could... and we text each other and talk once and a while. I saw him on Saturday night at K's Birthday bash and wanted to be near him , but was also annoyed by him... and the only thing that became apparent in my mind was that I had been denying my feelings for him for the last couple months because J was here or distracting me. Isn't it awful? I guess... I don't find it fair to either party. J can't defend himself and "win me over" because he isn't here and he cannot be. Ga cares for me, but I think he isn't interested anymore. He always looked at me as a child in some aspects. though... even so, I don't see how I was fair to Ga either. I always loved J from the first time he talked to me. I was not really impressed by Ga at first. Ga impressed me by pursuing me at a major level. I tried and tried to keep myself from falling for him but his pursuit was impressive and very romantic. I couldn't help myself but to fall into his arms. Before J left he told me he wouldn't hold it against me if I found someone while he was gone. I know he will. especially because I found Georgia in between J and I being together. Am I safer to deny these feelings or selfish to act on them? I know absents makes the heart grow fonder and I cannot contain myself over the fact that I will see Jason in September. I know that J can make me happier and I will always regret it if I do not wait for him. I guess I just needed to get this off my chest.
No comments:
Post a Comment