Dear Dale,
How is it all hanging up in Heaven with Jayson Conrad, Grandpa, and Uncle George? I could ask about everyone else but there is such a long list. I haven’t written you in a while Dale, I am sorry. My diary consists of letters to Grandma and those have pretty much run out. I wrote Grandma a letter in August apologizing for slacking off because my boyfriend was in boot camp… and I even feel like that was not an excuse good enough. I miss my family and how it all used to be. I even feel like I am whining to you right now. But these are all different stores for different times so let’s get to the facts of now. The fact of the matter is this sucks!! Today Sucks!! Sorry but it does.
I’m sitting in my empty apartment with Buster the cat, whom will be leaving soon as well to go check out the new place. I am really going to miss it here… I’ve been in this apartment for 2 years almost, the town for two and a half, and yet again I find myself in limbo… waiting to move in with my mother and find a place to stash all of my worldly belongings. I don’t have much I guess… enough to fill one big room… but it is mine and I am very sad that soon… I won’t have a room to put it in. I do lie… it is not a completely empty apartment. My room is completely in tack and will stay as such until maybe a week before November 1st. it does feel empty though… H and J moved practically everything out… down to even the hooks on the wall in the bathroom. A side from a few boxes… my stuff is all that remains… and some garbage too… which I’m sure I will have to dispose of because there are no garbage bags either… they were H’s. They actually did all this almost like I wasn’t here even though I asked if I could help… they asked once and I took a couple mirrors over in my car. I don’t work well with this. I never have… I hate moving (and I’m sure you don’t believe it because I have moved so many times in the last ten years it would make any normal person’s head spin) but right now I feel like another foundation has been ripped away from me… and it’s the only thing I have had solid for the past two years. I had something that I knew would be here and was mine… and now in 28 days that will be gone… and it actually already is. I don’t want to stay in this big 2/3s of the way empty place. Its depressing, and I don’t need to be in a depressing place all by myself with my thoughts, a cable TV and the ghost of a girl that was lonely for her mother (Melinda is another story. She has been very good but, I doubt she’ll be happy that I am the only one here now). I know this apartment is just a shell and stuff is just stuff… but everything has such memories… reasons for belonging to me and sometimes when I go to look for something and remember I threw it away I say Damn! I knew I would want it someday and that someday has to be today.
C has told me everything will be fine twice in this past week when I mentioned I didn’t want to move… and though it may be fine in the long run I am so crushed that she would just blow me off so quickly on the matter. Ya, she has moved a few times in the last two years… and her life has changed in big ways… but for her to say “it’ll be fine” in her I don’t wanna talk about this voice makes me annoyed… and maybe even think that she thinks its not as important to me as it really is to have my room and my stuff. It’s been the one thing that has kept me moving forward even though I’ve had issues moving on. The she changes the subject. I want to scream at her that it won’t and cry and make a scene but I let her move on. Clearly I will be “all right”. I have the chance to get my life back into some order and regain my independence I’ve been trying very desperately to find again. Maybe this is my chance. I will have a 4 hour commute to and from my mother’s to work in Branchburg, and that can help me clear my mind and tire me out so I sleep better at night. My mother will not bother me too much, she has her own way of living and I don’t think my presence will disturb her daily routine. It may even help us understand one another more, because we are just so back and forth with wither we are arguing or long lost BFFs, and it will help me be closer to my grandma B, and Sammie; All good things. Odds are, I will be able to get a new place sooner than not, maybe even before Jason returns from A school, which I will need because I plan on locking him in my room for at least 24 hours, because by this time I will be sexually deprived for almost 6 months and God help me I need a big room to keep him as my sex toy for a day. Lol! Which speaking of my hybrid sailor, I have called him twice today and I have yet to get a call back. I am not about to let my silly thoughts run away with that just because I’m depressed about being alone in my apartment. I do miss him though and God I wish he was here. It would have been a lot less lonely to go through if I had him and his blue eyed charm saying Angel it’ll be okay. Now him I can listen to the “its okay”, “it’ll be just fine”, and “you will be alright”. But he is not here in my world right now I sure could use him!
Thanks for listening Dale! You always help and I feel so much better about my future now than I did when I started this blog entry.
All My Love,
Jessica Lynn
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